Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: To make the most out of the next year, please give yourself the following birthday presents: A new philosophy: “It’s not about what you have, it’s about how you feel—and who you get to feel.” A new phrase: “I understand—and this time I even give a crap.” And a new mind-set, like this one from Patti LaBelle: “I’m in control my worries are few …Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oooohh, I got a new attitude!”
Capricorn: Now that General Petraeus has lost his job for going “All In,” as his biography is entitled, with the author of the book, this should help remind us all of a few things: Everyone makes mistakes. Never mix sex and business, unless you’re in the sex business. And Ben Franklin was right, “He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”
Aquarius: Since not a single living soul is perfect, Clouds asks that you don’t try to be. Since you’re an Aquarian, Clouds also asks that you to stop trying stop being so hard on others for not being perfect. Hence, your new mantra is as follows: “Sometimes, you’ve got to say ‘enough is enough.’ And when you’re lucky, you say it before the cops do.”
Pisces: The way to be is to flow. The way to live is through the heart. The way to the heart is, well, that depends. Some say it’s through the stomach. Some say it’s through the eyes. Some say it’s through the rib cage via surgery. Clouds says it’s through the mouth, with which we speak, kiss, eat and nibble on one another’s Kibbles ‘n Bits.
Aries: Since not a single living soul is perfect, Clouds asks that you don’t try to be. Since you’re an Aries, Clouds would also like to ask you to stop trying so hard to be imperfect. Hence, your new mantra is as follows: “Sometimes, you’ve got to say ‘enough is enough.’ And when you’re lucky, you say it before the cops do.”
Taurus: As we head into late November, Clouds would like you to be sure to end the year in style. Therefore, your new power word is “balance” and your new mental gymnastics routine is to realize that just because you’re a Bull doesn’t mean the rest of us like you always ramming your horns up our sweet backsides, at least not unless you’ve kissed us first.
Gemini: David Letterman: “The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.” Dick “Dicky-V” Ditale: Never believe in “can’t!” Prince: “You can be the side effect. I’d rather be the dope.”
Cancer: Try not to rob Peter just to pay Paul—it turns out Peter has a legal team that would make OJ jealous. There are certain things in life you just shouldn’t be cheap about: garage bags, bungee jump cords, love, toothpaste, condoms, beer. “If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.” -Phil Jackson
Leo: With Turkey Day upon us the stars just wanted to drop you a heads up. Here it is: with some of your relatives, it will be the best of times; with others it might feel like they’re trying to shove a turkey baster up your keester. To help, spend as much time with those you feel connected to and run like a turkey with its head cut off from anyone getting negative.
Virgo: Your new role model is Marcelo Ebrard, the Mayor of Mexico City. You see, the Mayor has implemented a new program in his city that gives out free Viagra to men over the age of 70. The Mayor said his reasoning is simple, sex makes people feel happy and people, regardless of their age, deserve to be happy. In case you forgot, this includes you.
Libra: According to studies, 90% of all third marriages end in divorce. This just goes to show that whoever came up with the saying “third time’s a charm” was almost completely full of crap. So, your new mission is to try to work a little harder and dedicate more of yourself to making sure the first time is the charm.
Scorpio: Studies have shown that only 49% of Americans are satisfied with their sex lives. To help get the numbers moving in a more positive direction, here is your assignment. First: Get naked, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, sexy, and highly lovable. Next: Find a partner to do this with. Finally: Write about your progress in a journal—and then send Clouds the Cliff Notes.
