Horrorscopes
Virgo: Since Virgos tend to be workaholics, your birthday gift to yourself this year is balance. Make sure you have more fun and relaxation in your life, for those moments are the best for your highly sensitive soul. Adopt this line from Betty White: “I think we’re losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don’t care whether it’s ethnicity, age, sexual orientation or whose ox is being gored.”
Libra: Your emotions will be running as deep as the River Styx and your passions will be boiling over like lava out of Mauna Loa this month. Therefore, your key will be to think before you speak; unless your speech is about why you feel so strongly for someone and why you feel they should begin to disrobe immediately.
Scorpio: It really doesn’t matter if you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong, either way you’re always right. That’s because you are what you think you are, unless you think you’re Elvis, in which case it may be time cut down on the glue sniffing or eating “The King’s” favorite: fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Sagittarius: It really does all come down to the little things. And sometimes that includes the little people, just don’t call them midgets. They don’t like that. And who can blame them? We’re all freaks in our own way or another anyway. It’s just that most of us can hide our oddities better than a little person can hide a lack of height. Therefore, your assignment is to work on understanding your power and the power of little things.
Capricorn: Scientists have determined that for dolphins to be happy and healthy they need to have forms of sexual expression. So it looks like our intelligent aquatic friends had even more in common with us than we thought. To help you get in touch with your inner Flipper, try this line out for starters, “You must have rolled around in sugar, because your body is sweet!”
Aquarius: Each September in Japan they celebrate the Festival of Poets. In honor of this celebration, try writing a love poem. It can be written to a person or a pet, to a mountain or a tree, or even to yourslef. And feel free to steal one of Clouds’: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Oooh there’s lots of barely legal things I’d love to do with you!”
Pisces: You may feel like your life has become one big Irish funeral, as emotions for most folks will be on high for the next several weeks. The key will be to not linger on any negative emotions for too long. If your emotion is a good one, however, feel free to take the time to enjoy a pint of Guinness with a little clover in the foam and chaser of Jameson’s.
Aries: Please select your own advice from the following Presidents. From fellow Aries, Thomas Jefferson, “A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.” From Gerald Ford, “Tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time.” And from Teddy Roosevelt, “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”
Taurus: Please review your life to see which of these attitudes you have. If you view life as the gift you always dreamed of and have faith that everything in the universe is working to help you, well then you’re all set. But if you view life as a cruel joke, well then it’s either time to stop doing drugs, or maybe to start doing some of the fun kinds, like fresh oxygen.
Gemini: There is a fine line between inspired exuberance and sheer stupidity, and that line often involves cheap beer and unplanned pregnancies. Therefore, please remember to always practice safe sex, which usually means making sure you’re doing so with someone you’d want to have brunch with the next day.
Cancer: If we’ve learned nothing else from the success of the booty-shaking tunes from artists like Rihanna and Pharrell Williams, we’ve at least learned that you don’t have to be perfect to be successful. Therefore, your new challenge is to be the living expression of God’s kindness on earth, as portrayed by a backup dancer at the MTV Music Awards.
Leo: Since both pro football and your libido will be kicking off a new season this week, don’t be surprised if your life starts needing these play-by-play lines: “He’s all over that tight end!” “There was some great penetration on that one.” And courtesy of Joe Theismann, “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
