Horrorscopes
Libra: Libras are lovers of beauty, and have a natural sense of style. Libras are also exceptionally social, are happiest when partnered up and deeply cherish harmony—while still being able to appreciate rhythm. Bass, not so much. Unfortunately, Libras also need to feel in control and can easily harbor resentments over complete misunderstandings. To help bring you more happiness, become more trusting and make this your new birthday saying: “Never trust atoms. They make up everything.”
Scorpio: With lots going on astrologically right now, most folks will begin either pulling away from others or be overly socially aggressive. While this can be good, it can also be challenging, but it’s all about balance anyway. Therefore, if you feel like reaching out to anyone right now, a version of this line is sure to help: “Did you know you’re like my favorite candy bar; you’re sweet, you’re fun to unwrap and you’re pretty nutty.”
Sagittarius: Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu wrote that we find by not seeking, which, so far, hasn’t helped locate Clouds’ copy of Lao Tzu’s book or that pair of animal print undies. Nonetheless, the Stars say that spiritual and alternative aspects of life will be finding you. Please embrace them. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from the very late Taoist, “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”
Capricorn: Just in case you sometimes feel like nobody cares about you or your needs, Clouds would like to point out a few people who might take a little umbrage with this—namely, the rest of the friggin’ Universe, except for the guy who stole your parking spot at Vons. And even that guy was just suffering from a disease called “Temporary-A-Holing,” which is usually caused by a lack of regular lovemaking.
Aquarius: In case you’ve started a new relationship recently and you’re not sure how to share some of your adventurous or possibly illegal past, Clouds would like to remind you that you are allowed to plead the Lynyrd Skynyrd Amendment, which reads “Don’t ask me no questions and I won’t tell you no lies. So don’t ask me about my business and I won’t tell you good bye.”
Pisces: Studies have shown the average American between the ages of 15 and 24 only spends about four minutes per day reading. *That would be 28 minutes of The Sheet per week. If this trend continues we’re all screwed, so you should seriously consider moving to someplace exotic like Costa Rica or Newfoundland. The good news, it takes a lot less time than that to read Tinder profiles, Tweets or Horrorscopes.
Aries: Your greatest challenges in life are to figure out what’s important and what’s not, who should stay in your life and who needs to take a long walk off a short pier and, if it snows, should you shovel or make snow angels. No matter what, choose to be happy. If that means spending more time in nature, going au natural or hiding from that windbag who talks about him or herself, so be it.
Taurus: The Stars are asking you to be open to any random encounters as October begins. To make sure you’re ready to embrace any and all possibilities, please heed these words from “Mister Short-shorts” himself, Gene Simmons: “I love myself…and it helps to be delusional, because if you don’t love yourself who else is gonna want to love you?”
Gemini: Since a local Gemini complained about his/her last Horrorscope, all your advice this time comes from Kevin Nealon: 1) “Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.” 2) “Don’t play dead with a vulture. That’s exactly what they want.” #4) “You gotta harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. Feel the flow, Happy. Feel it.”
Cancer: The only thing that’s preventing you from accomplishing your dreams is that you don’t spend enough time dreaming about them. Therefore, your new assignment is to work on creative visualization. You know, actively daydream about your dream life and whatever you do, don’t let reality stand in your way. It never slows down successful people like Kevin Nealon or Hilary Clinton.
Leo: Even though they can sometimes be as innocent and hopefully naive as nursery rhymes, Leos possess the willpower of those little old ants. You know, the ones that moved the rubber tree plant, even though that lady singing the song about them thought they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell! Well that’s you, dear Leo. You can accomplish anything you put your heart and mind to, no matter who tells you you can’t!
Virgo: Here are your pieces of infinite wisdom for the week: Gravity will always be working against you. Virgos are at their best when they’re spreading positive energy like cream cheese on a bagel. The best bagels in the world are made by H and H in New York City. If you can’t convince ‘em, confuse ‘em!
