NFL: In a different time zone

Another week of football down. Some more bubbles burst like parents’ expectations of their daughters after the high school prom.

What happened last week?

QB Jay Cutler threw off his back foot, his front foot, his ass, his pinky and one elbow … and the only thing we heard – he’s got such a talented arm. Of course the Bears lost.

QB Charlie “Clipboard Jesus” Whitehurst took it to the Browns defense. AND probably just guaranteed himself another Robb Johnson, Scott Mitchell, Matt Flynn unwarranted one-game wonder contract and another year in the league.

The Eagles proved their defense doesn’t really practice. I believe they are just out there as obstacles for the offense to run around. Practice Dummies. They let the Rams look like the Greatest Show on Turf again. With Austin “City Limits” Davis at QB dominating … it appears Eagle Coach Chip Kelly is going  to be like all the other “geniuses” who only really understands ONE THING, in his case offense. Another Mike Martz.

The Saints almost lost to the Bucs, but nobody’s dogging the Saints for giving up 31 points. Tampa QB Mike Glennon looks like a goober, but he can ball.

The Bills beat the Lions. The Lions can’t get out of their own way. Their kicker missed three field goals and was promptly cut. Bills QB Kyle Orton was heralded in his return, for leading the Bills to 17 points! You experts with your short memories … you make miserable players RICH.

The Steelers executed another brillioant game plan designed to allow misreable opponents to keep it close. Only thing that ruined the spread was the Jags QB throwing a pick 6 late in the game, or the Steelers would have won 10-9.

The Jets benched QB Geno Smith and brought in Michael Vick, who every clown on the planet seems to think is a better option than Geno. That worked. I tell you what. Punch yourself in the left nut. Now punch yourself in the right nut. Do you feel any different?

Bengals. Hilarious. A Marvin Lewis classic. They LOSE EVERY BIG GAME. You had to know going into that game the Pats would be RILED UP. All the talk about in-fighting between Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, end of the dynasty, etc. The Pats beat the Bengals up and pushed them around. That was like the cartoon in the back of the comic books where the skinny guy takes a  pill and comes back and whips everyone’s ass. Brady was trying to be tough and taunt and it looked so pitiful, the officials didn’t even penalize him. They just laughed.

This week’s picks

Colts 27, Texans 13. Glad JJ Watt invented defense.

Steelers 26, Browns 23.  Steelers invented prevent defense and prevent offense

Panthers 14, Bengals 24. Panthers sign HE HATE ME to play RB this game.

Jags 16, Titans 10. The Real Charlie Clipboard Jesus Whitehurst is resurrected.

Packers 31, Dolphins 15. Good thing the women are gorgeous in Miami.

Lions 24, Vikings 13. In Teddy Bridgewater we trust … next year.

Broncos 30, Jets 10. Fire Rex Ryan.

Ravens 24, Bucs 15. Do you really need to call yourself Steve Smith Sr.??

Chargers 34, Raiders 12. They still play on a dirt infield.

Bears 30, Falcons 24. They both can’t lose.

Cowboys 23, ‘Hawks 21. Tony Romo’s revenge for fumbled snap on playoff game kick years ago – the last time Dallas made the playoffs.

Washington 12, Cardinals 24. Carson Palmer Who?

Giants 30, Eagles 20. Glad Chip Kelly invented the forward pass.

Niners 20, Rams 24. I hate Jim Harbaugh.

Speaking of Geno Smith. He got the “I’m Too Stupid To Talk Award” of the week. He missed team meetings last week the Saturday night before the Sunday game. And it looked like it, too. He said he was at the movies, and lost track of time because they were in a different time zone. LOL. That is some great s%$t. Now I never had much high regard for anything related to West Virginia, including that fine University where Geno was ernolled at, but DAMN. … Is he the only person in America who uses his watch to tell time because everyone’s cellphone changes time zones automatically. So that is just ridiculous. And how the hell can you lose track of time because you have to go to the window and ask for a ticket to the 7 p.m. movie??? You still know it is 7 p.m. in California if you are in the 7 p.m. movie.

Fantasy Football Outlook

The fantasy season is in full swing now. Some people are in panic mode already. And some feel like they already have won. It is too early for both and there are reasons.

1. LeSean McCoy will not suck all year. If someone is offering him for a trade, take him. You can probably steal him right now.

2. Antonio Gates is 300 years old and well-worn. He will have one great week and one or two horrible weeks. You can’t count on him two weeks in a row. Either hope you guess right or trade him now.

3. Do not buy the Bills crap. That defense will fold like a Chinese contortionist as soon as Kyle Orton self-destructs every week. Starting this week …

4. I told you not to take Brady.

5. Admit it, you had Danny Amendola on your roster. Dummy.

6. Antonio Brown is fool’s gold. Dynamic in stretches, horrible in others. The team is force-feeding him the ball to get 5 catches every game and 4 of them are behind the line of scrimmage. Embarrassing.

7. Trade Cowboy RB DeMarco Murray before he gets hurt. He will get hurt.

8. You drafted Charger RB Ryan Matthews. Like he won’t get hurt again … see Stephen Jackson, Reggie Bush, Dennis Pitta.