The top ten white elephants of 2014
`Tis once again that wonderful season to eat, drink and berry me, to decorate trees and drink spiked eggnog, to give gifts that show how much we care and what great shoppers we are, and to fake surprise and delight when given a lousy or downright nutty gift.
To help you avoid the latter (or perhaps to entice it) here’s a rundown 2014’s most noteworthy White Elephant’s—gifts that are pretty much unwanted by anyone and are thus hard to politely, or legally, get rid of.
10) (Tie) Notable Mustaches—classic edition & The Erotic German Carp Calendar
These gifts should really be given in tandem as there’s nothing that screams “testosterone overload” like pasting on a handlebar, pencil thin, or walrus mustache and staring at scantily clad European women holding extremely ugly fish.
9) I’m so Flippin’ Hot mirror spatula
The problem with this gift is that it almost assures that your favorite hottie will start burning the pancakes or French toast. But it does add a whole new element to the “Aunt Jemima treatment!”
8) PolaRoll
A toilet paper holder that looks like a Polaroid camera is not exactly the look most people are going for, unless these people are going for something that screams: “I’m still in college!” or “Long live the Eighties” or “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”
7) Bacon scarf, toothpaste, etc.
America’s obsession with all things bacon is starting to go a little too far. Which just goes to show that we’ve learned almost nothing from drinking bacon-flavored beer.
6) Beer Shorts & a six-pack holster
On the plus side, these items make up the best dynamic duo we’ve seen since Batman and Robin or Salt-N-Pepa. On the downside, they’ve already been dubbed things like “Redneck camo” and the “Canadian survival suit” (never mind, those are pluses, too).
5) Big Head Squirrel Feeder
Sure, the visuals here are hilarious—for awhile—but nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a gift that’s designed to attract rodents.
4) Inflatable Unicorn Head or Canned Unicorn Meat
Three rules to remember here: 1) Adults are only allowed to dress up as unicorns for Halloween, Valentine’s Days and anniversaries. 2) Much like most fast food burgers, canned unicorn meat is primarily made out of soy products. 3) Never play “leapfrog” with a unicorn!
3) Sarcastic Ball
This evil sibling of the Magic 8 Ball answers random questions with things like, “Get a clue” or “Forget about it,” which are both good advice for a lot people, meaning this gift will only confuse most recipients.
2) Happy Man Bottle Stoppers
While wine and wieners of all sorts have had a long and illustrious relationship, they were clearly being abused when the original idea for this product came to light.
1) Handerpants Underwear Gloves
Underpants are not meant to be worn as gloves, socks, neck warmers or on top of sweatpants or collared shirts. Occasionally, only occasionally, can they be worn as hats or earmuffs.
