Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Taurus: With Mercury in retrograde at the moment, little frustrations may be getting the best of you — and everybody else for that matter. To make sure you don’t take any of it personally, and to help you remember in its own weird way it’s a gift, too, country music crooners Sugarland will provide your advice: “Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absolute-able, totally beautiful fact is, Shhh — It happens!”

Gemini:You’re still in the midst of a balancing act between your work and personal lives, which is why it might feel as though you’re helping an elephant and a Kirstie Alley play on a seesaw. Therefore, be sure to do what you can, rest when you must and reward yourself with a nice bottle of vino … or better yet, a trip to the chiropractor.

Cancer: Since Cancerians are supposed to be working on their attitudes towards life right about now, here are some anti-mantras to help remind you to laugh about it all more often. I) “I have the power to channel my thoughts into ever-expanding levels of suspicion and paranoia.” II) “I am at one with my duality!” C) “I can add humor to my life everyday, simply by finding someone else to laugh at!”

Leo: It looks as though the Stars are whispering things to you such as “cultivate relaxed alertness” and “practice casual perfectionism.” They’d like you to start whispering these things to yourself, too. If this seems odd, don’t worry … Jesus, Jerry Garcia and Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

Virgo: With another never-ending winter hammering the Eastside, it’s easy to feel like you’ve been buried under a heap of snow. But don’t let it turn you blue or give you frostbite. Spring is actually here. It’s just playing hide-and-go-seek with winter. Therefore, the next time winter re-arrives, try hiding out with your hide-and-go-peak partner.

Libra: As April gives way to May Libras’ attitudes towards life are certain to start soaring into the stratosphere. To help, here are some things to be happy about: Fresh air is still free. There are no accidents, only lawsuits. A day without sunshine is like night. The only reason you don’t have everything is because you don’t have anywhere to put it all.

Scorpio: If life were a video game called “The Demons of Doubt and Fear,” there’s no doubt that Scorpios would be cast as the Demon-Slayers, characters that, naturally, wear little more than ripped shreds, a cool sword and a flirtatious smile. Therefore, stop forgetting the way the butt-whopping food chain works.

Sagittarius: The Stars are getting set to tinker with your work life. If you’re in need of a change, raise or promotion, here are some tips for your personal sales pitch: Experts say old terms such as “Excellent Team Player,” “Bottom-line Oriented” and “Very Professional” are out. So try these new ones, “Can Party with Anyone.” “Handle Numbers like a Bookie.” “In general, I Kick Ass!”

Capricorn: Your role model for the week is fellow Cap, curve-atious Kirstie Alley. Despite having more eating habit issues than anyone outside of Oprah, Kirstie keeps winning audiences over with her openness, honesty and humor. So here are some of her words to chew on: “I don’t believe you have to have an eating disorder or mental illness to screw up.

Aquarius: Since laughter is healing, and since you’re lucky enough to share a sign with Fred Sanford, of “Sanford and Sons” fame (not to be confused with comedian Redd Foxx, who played him), here are your “Pops” sayings for the week: 1) “Why shouldn’t I call you ‘deer?’ You look like Bambi’s daddy.” b) “Your steady is ready!” III) “Esther, I could take your face, roll it in some dough and make gorilla cookies!”

Pisces: One of the gifts Pisces are born with is the ability to help open and expand the minds of others. Of course, this gift occasionally may drive you to drink, at least it allows you to hear people say funny things such as, “Pisces? I though she was a Lesbian.” Or “Lebanese? What part of California is that?”

Aries: Since Aries basically come running out of the womb and never stop, except to eat, drink and make whoopee, choose one of the following two new mantras: a) “Sometimes it’s a lot more fun to stroll than it is to run.” b) “I accept full responsibility for my life, except for the parts I blame on other people!”