THE KING AND I

This article was published in the February 15, 2025 Edition.

It’s good to be king. 

That revelation came blazing into my little pea brain when I was informed the City of Bishop just bought a tractor/front loader that includes an attachment so it can function as a forklift for its public works department. Readers who retain useless information might recall I wrote an entire column about the sad state of the city since it did not own a piece of equipment to lift heavy things. Well, now it does. Who says journalism can’t change the world? 

That made me think, “what if I was the King instead of a marginal ink-stained wretch.” Undoubtedly, I would have ordered both the new backhoe and a forklift, since you can never have too many toys. 

My kingly ambitions went into overdrive when I realized that Monday is President’s Day. As most folks know, our current president is trying some heavy lifting by dumping piles of gravel in the federal government’s bureaucratic and democratic gears. The courts are pushing back and bulldozing many of the Trump Dumps, so the grind goes on. 

In honor of President’s Day, I came up with a couple of things I would do around the Eastern Sierra if I was The King and followed Trump’s lead (but using better spelling and complete sentences). 

First off is the whole name thing. Although the Donald Musk, er, Elon Trump (those guys seem to be interchangeable so they need to sort out their “name thing”) is avoiding using Native American place names, King Jon won’t: The Owens Valley will now be Payahuunadü, “the land of flowing water.” There are also some peak names that could be tweaked: Mt. Whitney will now be “Mt. Visit Lone Pine.” The Alabama Hills will now be “The Hollywood Hills, II” to honor the 400 films and all the sequels shot there. Mammoth Mountain could use a rebrand, too. How about “Cheaper Than Aspen – But Working On It!” 

May as well create a regional logo while we’re at it. I’m thinking a sombrero, with snow at the “peak” and the brim holding sand dunes, a river feeding lakes and mules. Of course a bright shiny rainbow would top off the whole thing. 

The Eastern Sierra does not have a cultural institution like the Kennedy Center, which King Don wants to run or “reprogram,” or something. But we do have Shira Dubrovner, who will henceforth and forthwith be crowned Queen of Theatrical Entertainment, which will allow her to continue to stage plays with the Mammoth Lakes Repertory Theater and also sneak down to Bishop to lend a hand with Playhouse 395. Queen Shira will also get an unlimited costume budget. 

Expanding our Eastern Sierra Empire is also on the list. Unlike the money losing plans by alleged business genius Greenland and the Gaza Strip Trump,” I’ll go after places that generate cash. I will annex the entire 395 corridor from the Mono County Line to Carson City. (I’d stop before Reno because they have lawyers, judges and money and would be a bit snooty.) I won’t change anything except to collect taxes from our new “territory.” Hey, gotta pay for those Shakespeare costumes and new tractor/front loaders somehow. 

I will avoid the financial black hole coming with any takeover of federal or Los Angeles Department of Water and Power land, except for a swath east of Bishop from US 395 to US 6 for a truck route. Ah, but I would be open to a little “Water Export Fee” on LA for the Eastern Sierra water running down the aqueduct.  

Elon Trump is touting layoffs and other cuts to the federal workforce. I can’t do that here because, first off, those government employee union contracts are iron-clad. Secondly, everyone I know has a friend, family member, spouse, kid or potential love interest working government jobs in the Eastern Sierra. Everyone without a government job has applied for one. So, if I start layoffs and cutting the local government workforce I will be pestered and yipped at and annoyed to no end. Being King is no fun if everyone is yelling at you and calling you a dweeb on social media. (I obviously don’t have thick skin like Donald Musk.) 

Tariffs are also a big deal for Donald, but he seems to be a bit fuzzy on who will pay for them. I, on the other hand, have a better idea. Instead of a tariff, let’s just call it a Transit Fee. I will charge $5 for every out of region vehicle for the privilege of traversing the Eastern Sierra. Set up the fee booths at Pearsonville on the south end and at the California Ag Inspection stations on 395 and Hwy. 6 so folks will blame the state. 

I’ll give the summertime Yosemite travelers using Hwy. 120 a reduced rate if they buy pizza at the Whoa Nellie Deli or a burger and ice cream cone at the Mono Cone or a book or donation at the Mono Lake Committee bookstore. 

Thanks to the Transit Fee, King Jon will have enough money to hire more sheriff’s deputies and speed guns to ticket speeders (non-local, of course), creating yet another revenue stream. 

So, the bottom line: the new revenue from taxes from our newly annexed Nevada friends, the Water Export Fee and the Transit Fee will allow a little Bernie Sanders-like income redistribution. Instead of making up ever-changing budget numbers or guessing (which the Dynamic Duo are doing), at the end of the year, King Jon will disperse cold hard cash to every citizen in the Eastern Sierra, thus assuring I will be the most popular King in our little world. 

Jon Klusmire of Bishop is hoping his short stint as the Independence Fruitcake King is the only credential he needs to step up to bigger and better kingships.