Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: To help you make the most out of the next year of your life, study the following tips from the new book “Marketing Lessons from the Grateful Dead.” Defy convention; it cuts down on competition. Be transparent; being real is better than being perfect. Reward loyalty; it rewards you back. Be techno-savvy; dance to the sounds of the future. And, the one thing they left out of the book: Occasionally blow out your mental farts.

Virgo: Recent studies have shown that it takes men mere milliseconds to decide whether or not they’re attracted to a woman. Apparently, there’s some scientific basis for this. Women, on the other hand, tend to take much longer, and then change their minds, and then ask for a credit reference or to meet the guy’s mom. Therefore, bear in mind that love is about accepting — accepting that someone else is just as big a freak as you are.

Libra: Earlier this week, The Onion ran the following headline: “James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be: The Three-Headed Sh*tstorm!” Since you’re in the midst of tearing through life as if every loose ball and rebound was meant for you, try giving that little positive angel on your shoulder a more beefy nickname. Clouds suggests “Captain Buttsmacker!”

Scorpio: A local Scorpio recently dissed Clouds’ alter ego. Since Scorpios only do such things to avoid facing their own shortcomings, Clouds would like to pass along love, self-confidence, compassion and a smooth pat on the fanny for you Scorpios. And recommends you keep in mind that sharks don’t simply have a week dedicated to Clouds, they have a keg-stand and toga party!

Sagittarius: It wouldn’t hurt any if you traded in some of the time you spend daydreaming for some periods of positive visualization. You know, instead of thinking about baseball standings while standing in the shower or shower gifts while driving to work, try picturing the life you really want and don’t stop until your cheeks hurt from smiling.

Capricorn: It looks as though change on the work or home front isn’t just on the horizon, it’s on your freakin’ front porch, wiping off its flip-flops on your doormat. This change is for the better, even if it does mean you’ll have to shampoo the carpets. To help, here’s your new response: “I must have grabbed the gosh darn golden shovel, ‘cause I sure am diggin’ life!”

Aquarius: According to a recent study, 70% of women polled said they were turned on by men who help with household chores. Of course, this can only mean one of three things: 1) They should start designing vacuums for men. 2) One way or the other, it’s all about sharing. 3) The women polled were completely full of crap.

Pisces: The Stars report that your work life should have just gotten a nice energy infusion. To put it in layman’s terms, your career basically just slammed a Jager Bomb. So it would probably behoove you to act with a little more caution than usual, because they don’t give out DUIs at work, only pink slips and promotions.

Aries: Despite years of painstaking, sunburn- and seasick-causing research, no one has even seen humpback whales mate. Nor has anyone ever figured out exactly why male humpbacks sing. Since Aries can be about as mysterious to the rest of us as humpback whales, feel free to sing whenever you want and to make love with the lights on and the windows open.

Taurus: With the stress from your work life turned up a few notches lately, finding healthy ways to release stress should be your top priority right now. To help, make your new motto: “Peace Not War.” And don’t tell anyone to go “Eat A Richard!”

Gemini: It looks as though you’re in the midst of some rough seas on the social front. To help make sure you weather it all, keep in mind that no storm lasts forever and that there’s a reason they make things called “life jackets.” It will also help restrain you from referring to anyone as the business end of a donkey or working part of a door.

Cancer: Since Cancerians can be as cool, calm and collected as a bank robber, and still be as lovestruck as a new puppy owner, your role model for the next month will be John Dillinger. As the former “Most Wanted Man in America” once boldly declared in typical Cancerian-style: “I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars, whiskey, and you … what else do you need to know?”