Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Since Virgos sometimes get so wound up in the details that they become more tightly wound than a new fishing reel, Clouds demands you take more downtime during the next year. To help, here are some lines from a member of your opposite sign of Pisces, Drew Barrymore: “I don’t want to be a stinky poo poo girl. I want to be a happy flower child.”
Libra: Each September in Japan they celebrate the Festival of Poets. In honor of this celebration, try writing a love poem. It can be written to a person, pet, mountain or tree. And feel free to steal one of Clouds’ own works: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I may be a knucklehead, but I was smart enough to duct tape myself to you.”
Scorpio: Since most Scorpios have an affinity for, and connection with, Lenny Kravitz, the latest addition to your life’s soundtrack comes courtesy of the rockin’ son of Helen from The Jeffersons: “I’m longing to find it, a taste of the sweeter life. Only it takes a little time. Don’t go and put a bullet in your head, just turn your life around instead.”
Sagittarius: Scholars have long debated about what came first, the chicken or the egg. Clouds, like most of you, really couldn’t give a fart, so long as the chicken is served with mashed potatoes and egg with a juicy side of bacon. The best foods for Sags are green peppers, tomatoes, prunes, potatoes, whole wheat toast and eggs, also known as “breakfast.”
Capricorn: Scientists have determined that for dolphins to be happy and healthy they need forms of sexual expression. It seems our intelligent aquatic friends have more in common with us than we thought. To help get in touch with your inner Flipper, try this line out for starters, “You be the boss, applesauce, and I’ll be the pork chop.”
Aquarius: You are what you think you are, unless you think you’re Elvis, in which case it may be time cut down on the glue sniffing or eating The King’s favorite food: fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Pisces: Lately, your life has become one big Irish funeral, and your emotions will be on high for the next several weeks. The key will be to not linger on any emotion too long, which by Clouds’ watch is about the time it takes to pour and drink a Guinness. If your emotion is a good one, however, take time to make a clover in the foam.
Aries: Select your own advice from the following. From fellow Aries, Thomas Jefferson, “A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.” And from TV’s George Jefferson, “If I paid you to think you could cash in your check at the Penny Arcade!”
Taurus: If you look at things as though your life is what you always dreamt it could be and everything in the universe is working for you, then you’re all set. If you look at it as though life is a cruel joke and then you die, usually lonely, broke and smelling like cheese, then it’s time to stop doing drugs and start taking in some other things, such as fresh oxygen.
Gemini:There is a fine line between inspired exuberance and sheer stupidity, and that often involves an STD. Therefore, practice safe sex and make sure you practice with someone you’d actually want to have breakfast with the next day.
Cancer: If we’ve learned nothing else from the booty-shaking tunes of the Black-Eyed Peas it’s that lying never gets you anywhere. Therefore, your new challenge is to be the living expression of God’s kindness on earth, as portrayed by a regular on Soul Train.
Leo: Since both football and your libido will kick off a new season this week, don’t be surprised if you start hearing some common sayings by announcers, such as “He really got great penetration on that one” and Joe Namath’s favorite, “Let’s go down on the sideline with Suzy Kolber!”
