Taxeaters attempt to get a clue

“Politicians are paid to lead, not to read.” -President Arnold Schwarzenegger, from “The Simpsons Movie” (Artwork courtesy Fox/TVGuide.com)

Apparently the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) doesn’t “get” rural communities like I don’t get a Jeff Foxworthy special. In an effort to figure out how the USDA can better serve rural America, public forums are being held throughout the country this week.
The results from these meetings are then compiled by county and state officials and eventually sent across the “big muddy” to the Dept. of Agriculture in Washington. Hopefully, once all the ideas reach Capitol Hill, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, will feel a little bit better about giving us country folk some “greenbacks” you know …for buildin’ stuff.
The Sierra Business Council (SBC) facilitated Mono County’s own “there’s no such thing as a dumb idea” forum at Mammoth’s Cerro Coso campus on Tuesday. The meeting started out with an informative video reminding us that we know our community best (we do?), followed by a list of questions that we needed to answer. In summary:
1.What are the opportunities for growth in your community? What do you see as jobs of the future?
2. What are the obstacles to job creation? What would make local businesses start hiring?
3. How can small businesses be provided with critical support?
4. What is the best way to expand public and private financing for green jobs?
5. What innovative ideas should theUSDA consider to increase economic opportunity in rural areas?
6. What other issues or ideas should USDA and/or the President consider in regards to Jobs, Economic Development and Sustainable Communities?
Insert Keanu Reeves from the Matrix, “Whoa.” These questions are tough. Well to me, and I’m only an idiot who lives in Mammoth, the answer to all of these questions is the same: how about more Obamacake? But like I said, what do I know?
Vicki Taton of SBC had us break into groups based on what side of the room we were sitting on, kinda like in high school. Dang, but I wanted to be in Rick Phelps’ group! Psshhh whatever. My group had all the popular kids, Director of Tourism and Recreation Danna Stroud, 50 Center writer Wendi Grasseschi, Mono County supervisor candidate Larry Johnston, Mono County Principal Planner Greg Newbry, Mono County Public Health Director Lynda Salcido, and former Mammoth Mountain Environmental Programs Director Lisa Isaacs.
You might be thinking why the hell was Wolf in that group? I don’t know. Maybe to take notes. As Johnston pointed out, “no one from the community is here, no Hispanics, or people who work more then one job.” So I will admit that being the only person in the entire room under the age of 30 with three jobs I did feel like a fish out of water, a bit like Paul McCartney at an Outback Steakhouse.
While tackling some of the questions, our group pointed out that Mono County needs more interpretive education programs (like ecotourism), more growth in the service industry, advancements in tele-commuting, and development in alternative energy and green jobs.
In response to calls for jobs for unskilled labor, I said, “Why don’t we just get a Walmart?” To which Stroud cried, “Noooooo!” (Brain: Stupid stupid stupid).
After more rumination, another issue came up: Mammoth’s failure at retaining a young, skill-based work force. I got this one. “Why not forced retirement for everyone over 60?” (Brain: blank faces…hmmm…I really need to shut up.)
But I wasn’t the only one with brilliant ideas, while discussing how Mammoth could use better sports training facilities, Johnston pointed out that we should get a Tiger Woods Academy, so Salcido suitably responded, “You mean a sex clinic?” Johnston, “Uhh no…I meant a golf school.”
Time’s up!
We had to wrap it up and the entire room got back together to share ideas. Mammoth Lakes Community Development Director, Mark Wardlaw’s group went first … and arguably stole all of my groups ideas, all except for Wardlaw’s solution for “more beer” to help local businesses start hiring again.
Next was Rick Phelps’ group. After sharing their ideas, most of the people in the group left.
After all the groups shared, the room had to pick three encompassing answers for each USDA question. Yawn. The answers were both optimistic and vague, so I can only imagine what will happen when they get grouped in with 57 other California counties and 49 other states.
As “President” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character says in the “Simpsons Movie,” politicians are “paid to lead not to read,” so eventually Secretary Vilsack will have one brief statement on his desk that will more than likely read, “Stop asking questions and give us some money.”
But Vilsack shouldn’t have to go through all this trouble just to get one brief summary of rural communities. What he should do is just have each county submit a Jeff Foxworthy joke, for example, “You know you’re a Mammoth local when …”
Since “you know this community best,” I’ll let you finish that one.