Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: 2011 looks to be a great one on the home front. A move or remodel looks promising and family matters should be smoother than Urkel’s falsetto or his gravity-defying suspenders. To help, here’s something from Urkel: “Sometimes, you just gotta polka!” And something from Clouds: “What has the deepest roots usually has the greatest height.”
Aquarius: Your key for the New Year will be communication. Whether written or verbal, spoken or physical, in 2011 you need to let your voice roar like an avalanche. Just be sure to always think twice before you make any unflattering comments, such as this one: “If ignorance is bliss you must be the happiest person alive!”
Pisces: Balance. Harmony. Flow. These are your magic words for 2011. Utter them often. Doodle them down during meetings. Make songs up about them in the shower. Knit them into scarves. Play them for double word scores during Scrabble. Role-play with a lover and call him/her/it by these names. Be the living essence of them. Become your own version of Buddha, belly-rubbing and all.
Aries: It looks as though you’re going to be more aggressive, brutally honest and spontaneous in 2011. You’re also going to be a bit impatient, egomaniacal and you should do your best to avoid violent situations, which includes most Quentin Tarantino movies. Since life is really just a movie we each star and direct in, your words of wisdom come from Tarantino: “The good ideas will survive.”
Taurus: Both your work and home lives promise to improve this year, and you should be feeling very productive and reproductive in both places. In case you’re looking to add to your family or to crack up co-workers (laughter is often a bonding experience), pass along a line such as this one: “You’re like an Urban Dictionary. You give real meaning to ‘Ass-tastic’ and ‘Hot Cheetos!’”
Gemini: You’re more than capable of achieving some of your biggest goals this year, be they of the heart or the wallet — though the two can often be seen flirting. Of course, your road to success will have some bumps and swerves, you’ll need to fix a flat or two, and you may get a few bruises. But that’s okay … Clouds thinks you’ll agree that anything worthwhile must be earned. Plus, healing can be fun, especially if it requires sponge baths, rub-downs and time to read.
Cancer: You are going to have a steel cage match with self-confidence in 2011. Since Clouds’ money is on you, here are some tips to help make sure you kick some spandex-clad booty: Be forgiving. Smooth away hurts like they’re being coated with Pepto Bismol. Trust your psychic abilities. Let your creativity guide you. And watch out for the reverse suplex and the Macho Man.
Leo: Since this promises to be one of the best years of your life, remember to slow down long enough to smell the roses and be thankful. Take up Yoga, meditate a little everyday. And when need be, politely and with some compassion, feel free to say something such as: “Hey Man, I’m not a therapist. You’re going to have to solve your own problems.”
Virgo: Members of this sign have discriminating taste, and that will come in handy this year. Try to not be overly critical or uptight … get some fresh air or pick out your underwear instead. Your assignment for 2011 is to avoid letting yourself become a big wedgie to anyone, especially yourself. Instead, become a satin thong or at least go commando!
Libra: This year promises to be a solid (though not spectacular) one in both your career and personal lives. Even if this defies logic to you the way Lady Gaga’s success baffles the rest of us, if you will just put home and family first in your life everything else will line up accordingly. Just remember who’s really part of the family and who’s just trying to mooch a free meal or some familiar favors.
Scorpio: For all their struggles, Scorpios tend to have great families, which gives them the foundation for happiness, success and long-term emotional scarring. Luckily, forgiveness always heals its provider. Here’s your kindness meter for the year: Studies have shown that the kinder you are, the more likely you are to yawn when someone else does.
Sagittarius: Here are your keys to 2011: Be social. Just be yourself. Tap into your creative juices, which, for the record, are extremely similar and often get intermixed with your sexual juices. Therefore, feel free to go on a few juice diets this year, just make sure that your juice concoction isn’t 70% vodka.
