Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: Caps are known for having thick skin. Nonetheless, just like the rest of us, underneath their skin, they’re still nothing but a big mushy mess of blood and guts, feelings and carnal urges. Since empathy suits you well, but you don’t naturally want to don it, your new theme song comes from fellow Cap, Rod “the Bod” Stewart: “I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger … ooh la la, ooh la la, yeah.”
Aquarius: If Aquarians have a weakness, besides their lower legs and ankles — which are attractive but injure easily — it’s this: they hate ideas that come from anyplace other than them. Therefore, your assignment is to become more like the Japanese who are famous for improving other people’s ideas, and to feel free to sleep in or make whoopee while the other people come up with what you’ll be improving.
Pisces: You are at your best when you flow like a river. Sure, rivers sometimes ice over or get muddy in the spring, but they never stop doing their thing, which is simply to be and not seem. To help, try spending more time in water this month. Some long baths or hot tub soaks would be perfect, especially if you can find someone to bob around with.
Aries: To help get you where you want to be, make sure you accept that it’s not about where you’re planted, it’s about how you grow. Clouds likes to grow anywhere the sun is shining. To get you in the right mindset to grow, make sure you let some love shine where the sun usually doesn’t.
Taurus: Lake Superior is the largest freshwater lake in the world. The Nile is the longest river on earth. A 10-gallon hat holds less than a gallon of beer. Okay, there are your pieces of almost useless information for the week. Here’s your almost useful info: Two wrongs don’t make a right; they can only make for a fun “right now.”
Gemini: The good news: most Geminis believe in karma. The bad news: most Geminis occasionally forget the rules of karma apply to them. In Mesopotamia, tavern owners found guilty of overcharging were executed. Your mission: repay someone you might have ripped off or treated like a barstool.
Cancer: On this week in 1922, the first insulin shot was given. The impossible became possible and diabetes no longer meant blindness or death. Let this be a reminder for you to give those negative thoughts that sometimes spread through you like a oral Herpes through a spin-the-bottle party, a double-shot of “get the hell out!”
Leo: Your words of inspiration come from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “Life is not a beach. There is no pattern for permanent return, only for refreshment.” And your words for finding someone to refreshen with are: “The human heart beats more than 2.5 billion times during our life — and a lot of those beats are for you. So what do you say we pull a Michael Jackson and ‘Beat It.’”
Virgo: One is the loneliest number. Two can be the most crowded number. Your good luck numbers are three and five. Make sure you count them before you say something such as: “They should call you Number Two, since you’re so full of poop!”
Libra: On this week back in 1932, Hattie Caraway became the first female member of the U.S. Senate. To celebrate this factoid, keep in mind that what seems impossible, only seems so if you allow it to. And, as Hattie herself said: “Women are essentially practical because they’ve always had to be. From the dawn of time it’s been our job to see that both ends meet.”
Scorpio: Since Scorpios are very spiritual people, but can also get stuck in the doldrums of their own self-doubt, Clouds would like to pass along these tips: 1) Every once and while, Scorpios are required to spiritually extract their heads from their own butts. 2) Courtesy of Joel Osteen: “You have to do your part, believing that you are blessed, seeing yourself as blessed, acting as though you’re blessed.”
Sagittarius: Members of this sign commonly crave change the way stoners crave pints of Ben and Jerry’s. What they often forget is that the only constant in life is change, even though sometimes it’s as subtle as a falling snowflake. Therefore, your new mission is to be the change you wish to see in the world, your community and your life. If this includes “changing into something a little more comfortable,” more power to ya!
