Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: One of the challenges of being born under this sign is that you don’t really have a lucky color. That’s because just about every color has some lucky aspects for you. This should help explain why Geminis tend to like bands such as Phish and the Grateful Dead, whose followers wear tie dyes, even if they they’d never be caught dead in one.
Cancer: In case you thought it was impossible to make time stand still, try watching the last two minutes of an NBA Finals game this week. You’ll then get to see how time can virtually stand still every now and again, and that sometimes a couple of seconds and little bit of luck are all you need. Therefore, your new assignment is to call a time out the next time you’re in a moment of bliss, enthusiasm or disrobe.
Leo: Since the Stars say good times, friends and love are all headed your way, Clouds thought you could use a few reminders to make sure you make the most of them. First and foremost, be thankful. Next, and Clouds gets that for Leos it’s like asking a lion to take its time devouring a hamburger, be humble. Finally, remember to enjoy it all thoroughly!
Virgo: The Stars think you should be more generous in your life. You know, give more of your time, heart and money to those who could use some. Luckily, whatever you give usually comes back to you 10-fold. So, don’t worry about running out of anything. In a way, life is like STDs: the more you give, the more you get.
Libra: The good news for you, dear Libras, is that your energy level should be higher than Jeff Spiccoli, circa 1982. The bad news is that if you don’t order enough pizza for everybody, you’re going to get detention. Make sure you use this rise in energy to exercise your mind, as well as your body and libido — and be sure to do your homework!
Scorpio: For some strange reason, Scorpios are plaqued by forgetfulness. The good news is that nothing is actually ever forgotten; it’s more like things have been misplaced, such as car keys or where your frontal lob is. To help, memorize this line from fellow Scorpio, the late Johnny Carson: “Never use big words when a filthy, little one will do.”
Sagittarius: The Stars suggest you practice more patience and compassion right now. Remember that your Sagittarian feistiness needs a healthy outlet, which shouldn’t include swearing like a trucker. After all, the only things worth really fighting for in life are love, the Stanley Cup and the last beer.
Capricorn: Money is just like everything else in your life — exactly what you make it out to be. By the way, making out is almost always free, helps boost your immune system, and often leads to lots of other things that are obviously very good for you. And this line from poet e.e. cummings should help: “Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.”
Aquarius: With amorous ways washing over the world like waves breaking upon a beach during a windy high tide, you might as well strip down to your skivvies and go love surfing. To help set the mood, trying singing some Hall and Oates: “What I want you’ve got and it might be hard handle, like the flame that burns the candle, the candle feeds the flame! You make-a my dreams come true!”
Pisces: Now that the sun is in Gemini, people will be more social, flexible and curious. Therefore, this would be the perfect time to get back in touch with your baby making buttons. If you’re looking for better advice than this, you’re looking in the wrong place.
Aries: Your advice this week comes courtesy of Fred “Sanford and Sons” Sanford: If you ever find yourself drinking Cham-pimple (a mixture of Champagne and Ripple made famous as Fred’s favorite drink) or any other similar concoction for breakfast, it’s probably time to change your life.
Taurus: One of the strong suits of Taurus is an innate ability to be wise with money. To help keep the good financial karma coming your way like nudists headed to a “clothing optional” beach, be sure to spend your money wisely and support your neighborly newspaper advertisers.
