Page 2: “Talking DDD in XXX” – a play in one act

The tentative budget … in lime green. (Photo courtesy www.faniq.com)

Dateline: July 31
The mood: Mild panic
The setting: The Town’s top-secret administrative meeting place, Suite XXX, where one can often find Town staffers (at least one could find them during more flush times) unwinding with their favorite “films” from the Town’s Netflix account.

Town Manager: Everyone, I can assure you, though it seems like I’ve been doing nothing but rearranging the deck chairs for the past two years, this is not the Titanic and we’re not going down. Delay is a key part of any government’s strategeric plan. Delay, details and doubt. I call it my triple-DDD plan, and as any taxeater can attest, parade enough boobs in front of politicians and they’ll all be too distracted to act on anything.
Human Resources Manager: Tell me more about the boobs. I like boobs.
Town Manager: You, collectively, are the boobs. I parade you in front of Council. You talk about programs. You quote statistics. You tell them about all the great things you could accomplish if you only had a little more time. And you tell them that there’s a tiny window in which to get this important work done. If you don’t accomplish it right now within that very small window, then all your work will be wasted.
Dep. Town Manager: Is that the instilling doubt part?
Town Manager: Yes.
Comm. Development Director: If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, right?
Town Manager: Exactly. More doubt.
Comm. Development Director: If we’re not ready to move forward when the economy turns around, investors will go elsewhere.
Town Manager: Even more doubt.
Comm. Development Director: So don’t trim the scope of work or the staff required to get it done.
Dep. Town Manager: Meaning delay a decision on staffing.
Town Manager: Now you’re catching on.
Finance Director: But all the land sales we’d planned to the county and hospital district to bring in cash have fallen through. The budget is $2 million underwater. Even given my usual obfuscational brilliance, how can I put this one past Council? How can we face a $2 million deficit and not cut staff?
Public Relations Manager: Is obfuscational a word?
Town Manager: Perfect. He’s already got you sidetracked with his unique vocabulary. How can you put this past Council? Simple. If expenditures exceed revenues, what do you do?
Finance Director: Borrow money?
Town Manager: Maybe. Later … if necessary. But for now, you’ve got to narrow the gap. Reduce expenditures without firing anyone, or invent revenues to match expenses. We’ve invented revenue before. Two years ago, we assumed DIF revenue from development projects before it ever came in.
Finance Director: It never came in.
Town Manager: So what? We booked it. Always balance the books first and worry about the numbers later.
Human Resources Manager: You know, we obviously appreciate you protecting our jobs, but maybe we should knock off a few positions, you know, to look like we feel everyone’s pain, that we understand.
Town Manager: This is all you need to understand. We can’t sacrifice any more staff. We have already removed enough staff without any apparent loss of service, and we can’t lower the veil any further. The presence of a battalion of personnel always gives the illusion of importance and productivity. We don’t want them to think they can produce the same amount of honey with half the bees … Okay, people. Ideas? How do we generate some revenue?
Transportation Director: Well, we could drop our appeal of the airport litigation judgment on the condition we don’t have to make any payments until 2011. That would save us the $750,000 we’ve budgeted for this year’s legal expenses.
Town Manager: Good start. Reducing expenditures under the guise that it’s good for the Town. Excellent.
Human Resources Manager: That gives me an idea. How about we don’t fund the roads program for another year? The roads will deteriorate to the point where people won’t want to drive their cars around town.
Transportation Director: Incentivizing public transportation!
Community Development Director: And creating even more impetus to spend money on the production of an elaborate Town-wide mobility plan!
Public Works Director: Hold on there! If we don’t have a roads program, what’ll my guys do?
Town Manager: We’ll transfer them to the Finance Department. Council doesn’t understand finance. We can justify any number of jobs in that department.
Dep. Town Manager: I’ve got another idea. Let’s pretend that our T.O.T. audit program’s gonna bring in a lot of money.
Finance Director: We already tried that. They rejected it.
Town Manager: Wait a month and try it again. Council has a short memory.
Public Relations Manager: I still don’t see how you’re going to sell this hodgepodge of short term fixes to the public.
Town Manager: We don’t have to sell it to the public. We just need to sell it to the right three people who const itute a Council majority … And if you think this lemon can’t be sold, your father obviously didn’t sell Ford Pintos like mine did in the ‘70s.
Look at Obama. His health care proposal suggests that he will cut costs by saving money through “efficiencies” while at the same time expanding coverage. In essence, he’s gonna spend less money to cover more people? How the hell would that ever work?
Human Resources Manager: Well, Council could fire a whole bunch of us and use the money on direct services as opposed to people …
Transportation Director: Like subsidizing air service!
Human Resources Manager: … so maybe Obama isn’t totally wrong.
Town Manager: In theory, perhaps, but I, for one, am an entrenched interest and plan to remain as trenched as possible.
Tourism Director: Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Let’s start a band. We’ll call ourselves the Trenchcoats.
Finance Director: No way. How about the Cookbooks?
Transportation Director: Yeah, we can make up a whole back story about ourselves. Like how we come from the Land of the Lost … Fax.
Public Relations Manager: Yeah, and then we can ask Council for money to put on a Festival. We’ll do it in mid-November in Suite Z. The sound system’s already hooked up, and Neil and Jo can sing harmonies … just call me Mr. Revenue Generator.
Dep. Town Manager: Mr. Revenue Generator, do you really think a band called the Trenchcoats would reflect well upon us?
Public Relations Manager: Fine, Mrs. Master of the Facilities Universe.
Police Chief: With all due respect, none of you people know how to throw a party like the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. Of course, I can’t go into any details, as our partying skills are currently under investigation. We are, however, doing the best we can to increase traffic ticket volume, so if anyone in this room should be called Mr. Revenue Generator, it should be me!
Dep. Town Manager: In all seriousness Mr. Town Manager, do you think you can save our jobs?
Town Manager: I’ve been practicing my negotiating skills on priceline all week. Only downside to this is I’ve booked $4,000 worth of rooms in El Paso for the 3rd week of August.
Tourism Director: No problem. Looks lik it’s time to schedule another peer resort tour.
Dep. Town Manager: C’mon. What tourist activity could they possibly host in El Paso?
Police Chief: The Brut Sun Bowl as a matter of fact. Held every December.
Town Manager: Alright folks, time to go back to your desks. Last person to break 50,000 on Galaga has to design Chuck Lande’s next public art project.