And an all-pro hangover? Check out Monday Night Football, Mammoth-style
If there’s one thing the good and hearty mountain people of Mammoth can do, it’s party like a bunch of tailgaters at the Super Bowl. Actually, all the average Mammothite usually needs to start whooping-it-up like he or she just won an all-inclusive trip to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii is an excuse—something the football season provides plenty of.
On Monday nights during the pigskin season, Mammoth basically becomes a rolling tailgate party. So at the request of some sauced-up local bartenders, The Sheet decided to roll through the Monday Night Football (MNF) Tour of Mammoth. Here’s most of what we can remember (or will admit to).
Pregame: As is the case with most professional athletes, a good warmup is essential to staying healthy, and as Sheet Ass-trologer Clouds McCloud advises, “If you’re going to pull a groin, it might as well be somebody else’s.”
So naturally, our first stop on the tour was for a warm-up at the Bistro at Snowcreek Athletic Club; where people actually were stretching and working out while we curled pints of the High Life. Mammoth’s newest spot to catch a game offers comfy couches, a pool table and a handful of large TVs. Their MNF specials (which also run on Sundays and as part of their daily, 4:30 to 6:30 p.m., Happy Hour) include Southwestern spring rolls, buffalo onion rings and their delicious slider sampler. The full bar also offers half-off all well drinks. As the game between San Diego and Denver approaches kick-off, the tour (or at least part of it) heads down Old Mammoth Road.
1st Quarter: Having left half the tour participants who weren’t ready to leave the Bistro behind, a handful of us enter a Chargers fan-filled Giovanni’s. While curses about the Broncos (and their mothers) are muttered about the bar, we take advantage of the specials. During MNF (as well as Sundays and during Happy Hour, from 4 to 7 p.m. weekdays) Giovanni’s offers deals on Mammoth Brewing Company (MBC) beers, cocktails, pizza and their scrumptious Sloppy Gios, garlic bread smothered in Bolognese sauce. After downing a few 50-cent wings (the only 50-cent value in town) and the better part of a tasty pitcher of High Country Pilsner, we headed on down Old Mammoth.
2nd Quarter: Grumpy’s is not only Mammoth’s original sports pub, it’s also home to the Hall of Fame for local bartenders; Dirty, Janice, Red, Scott and the (thankfully) incomparable “Don’t call me James” Posey make up just part of the staff. About a dozen people join or rejoin the tour and we all take advantage of Grumpy’s specials. For MNF (and football Sundays and Happy Hour, 3 to 6 p.m. daily) Grumpy’s offers a food menu starting at $2, 27 TVs, free pool, video games and drafts of both Busch and Rolling Rock for a buck. They also have $2 MNF shots. Obviously because they think either the Chargers O-line or The Sheet staff is a little soft, the shot for the night is a Buttery Nipple.
Halftime: Beginning to feel as lightfooted as Darren Sproles, who just returned a punt for a Charger touchdown, our pigskin-loving posse pounds the pavement down to Roberto’s. Roberto’s Mexican Cantina offers $2 drafts and tacos, $3.50 TJ Margaritas and a large variety of tequila they’ll happily serve to you with a lime wedge (examine the photo on the opposite page closely), salt and a smile. Post-Roberto’s, it’s officially time to transition over to cab service, so our hero for the night, Scottie Marzonie of Mammoth Taxi, comes to our rescue.
3rd Quarter: After a brief stop in the Ghetto to add more members to the tour, we arrive at Angel’s on Main Street. At this point, no one in the group knows the score—some don’t even know who’s playing. And it’s becoming obvious that we’ve hit that point in the tour where the legendary words of football announcer, and former star quarterback, Joe Theismann start to make a lot of sense, “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Angel’s offers Mammoth’s biggest beer selection, flat screen TVs in every corner, a Sunday football brunch and daily appetizer, soup, dessert and cocktail and beer specials. We stop long enough to have Otis pour us a round. After imbibing his, Sheet Publisher J. Lunch observes, “Every shot poured in this town is a double.”
4th Quarter: As Scottie drops us off at Mammoth’s longest running MNF party, Whiskey Creek, the words of the man who used to tell his players to “line up alphabetically by height,” former Houston Oilers Head Coach, Bill “Coach Pete” Peterson, ring through my head: “Men, I want you thinking of just one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”
Per usual, Whiskey is a go-go for MNF. Mike the Butcher is announcing, and despite the fact that he’s a Bolts fan and it’s a close game, he breaks out a little of his famous rendition of the “Love Boat theme.” MNF at Whiskey Creek features a game-long trivia contest, (and just like their daily, 5 to 6 p.m. happy hour) discounted MBC brews and half-off the bar menu. Whiskey’s is also known for it’s famed “Shooootersss!” call (signalling the availability of $2 shots) every time a touchdown is scored on Monday night.
Unfortunately for Charger fans, the last shooters call of the night goes to the Broncos, who put the game away with a late TD.
The fat cats on the MNF Tour aren’t quite ready to call it a game yet. So we decide to walk up to the Village and prove former 49er Offensive Lineman Randy Cross correct. Cross once said, “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.”
(Hang)Overtime: Even though they think football is really soccer in Ireland, we grab pints at the Auld Dubliner. Dubs, as some call it, will soon start offering a late night happy hour featuring their famous Irish tacos and spicy potatoes. After a pint or two it becomes apparent that it’s time to call it a night. You could now say the same thing of members of the MNF Tour that former Cowboy Linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson once said of Steeler QB Terry Bradshaw, “He couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the ‘c’ and the ‘a.’”
All in all, a couple dozen people participated in, and got home safely from, (Thanks again, Mammoth Taxi!) the MNF Tour of Mammoth. A trip around town best summarized by local beer brewer, Dustin Stewart, “The coolest part about the tour was that there wasn’t a single place I wanted to leave.”
As for this story’s accuracy, we’ll again turn to the insightful words of Coach Pete, “I’m the football coach around here and don’t you remember it!”