Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aquarius: The Stars report that there’s still a bit of friction involved in your personal life, and it’s not an easy time for you to have smooth communication with others, but don’t worry … this too shall pass. To help that along, make this your new mantra: “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every friggin’ minute of it!”

Pisces: The world endurance record for being a “Couch Potato” is 69 hours and 25 minutes, which is an awful long time to be sitting on your rump, eating ruffled potato chips and channel surfing. Since this is the perfect time to for you to be resting up, you should practice setting your own personal Couch Potato record. Just make sure to get up and stretch every once and while before your butt goes numb — or gets too wide.

Aries: Life is always trying to teach us how we should be living … it’s just that we don’t always listen. To become a better listener, try following the CARE method. C: Concentrate on the speaker and not just your favorite body part of the speaker. A: Acknowledge people in ways besides calling them a dumbass. R: Respond without using your middle-finger. E: Empathize with something besides their thighs.

Taurus: Since there’s nothing exciting, ass-trologically speaking, going on for you right now, it’s up to you to add some excitement. One of these lines might help: 1) I may not be Fred (or Wilma) Flintstone, but I’d love to make your bedrock. B) Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? III) You must be carrying around a keg in your pants, ‘cause I’d sure love to tap that.

Gemini: Since Geminis are known for bouncing from bed to bed like bedbugs on steroids and Red Bull, Clouds would like to remind you that the love you give is the love you get and that real love means never having to change your phone number or your Facebook page.

Cancer: The Stars warn you not to make any big or drastic financial decisions right now. Mars is messing with that aspect of your life so it’s best to just be patient and try to stay positive. To help, here’s your new mantra: “Don’t chase the paper, chase the dream.” And your anti-mantra: “Money, bitches and hos, that’s all a brother knows.”

Leo: Clouds tends to forget these Horrorscopes as soon as they’ve been sent off for publication. While this may seem odd, it’s really the secret to Clouds

sucks-ess. It’s also the key to any real magic. First you put your heart and soul, blood and guts into something, then you let it go and see how it flies, while you unzip your fly, drop your trousers and start celebrating.

Virgo: Sure, Clouds has a soft spot in the old heart for Virgos, but that doesn’t mean you people can’t be total “butt-nuggets.” Therefore, your assignment is to not let your temper get the better of you this month. Long walks, kick boxing classes or kicking empty boxes should help.

Libra: Earlier this week it was announced that Cleveland has the worst weather of any city in the country, followed closely by Boston and New York. Since the Eastern Sierra has some of the best weather in the country and because the new moon will light up your social life, be sure to spend plenty of time outside, and feel free to call people you know in those cities to rub it in.

Scorpio: The Stars have started smiling upon your love and family lives. This means you’ll be happiest spending time with family, and that your love life has infinite promise. For those trying to start (or rekindle) some love, here’s a line for ya: “There must be something wrong with my cell phone, because I haven’t got any sext messages from you.”

Sagittarius: Statistically, you’re far more likely to be killed by a vending machine than by a grizzly bear. That is unless you decided to abandon a world of vending machines to try to protect grizzly bears and you smell like fox poop. As the Grizzly Man said, “I’m sure gay people have problems, too.”

Capricorn: Caps sometimes have problems with organization. Since you’re bound to be flooded with opportunities this year, this organizational problem might be a little troublesome, but not if you can maintain a positive and open-minded attitude. Supporting organizations such as following should help: “Dirty Dyslexics … we love to 96!”