Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: As Aries’ part of the year arrives, it should come as no surprise that the next month of your life will be action-packed. Celebrations, money luck and clashing opinions will fill up your life until it’s brimming over like a poorly-poured beer. To help make the most out of this, try not to worry too much about life, because you’re not going to survive it anyway.

Taurus: March is “National Nutrition Month.” And since it’s almost over, this would be the perfect time to try to eat healthier. Therefore, this dietary guide should come in handy. Good things to eat: sautéed Brussels sprouts, sushi, free-range cattle, raisins, and edible underwear donned by your partner. Bad things to eat: lard, Bon-Bons by the bucket, free-range roadkill, Raisinets and edible underwear donned by someone else’s partner.

Gemini: It looks as though the social areas of your life are still in the midst of a mogul run. To help prevent you from having a total yard sale, you should keep the following thoughts present in your mind: Everybody can be an a-hole every once in awhile, and it’s never a good idea to say, “You’re about as useful as a condom stapled to a safe sex pamphlet.”

Cancer: Sometimes Cancerians let their tempers get the best of them. And this can be a problem, since the rest of us usually gain strength through Cancer’s stability. Therefore, your new mission is take deep breaths before saying anything emotionally charged such as, “You passive –aggressive peckerhead,” especially since such statements are really just self-projections.

Leo: Every once in awhile, Clouds gets overwhelmed by it all and wants to scream: “F-It! Clouds is going to pack up everything and disappear into some seedy, warm segment of America where the rivers run full of tequila and where skinnydipping isn’t just allowed, it’s recommended!” In case you’ve been having similar feelings, Clouds says just hang in there; the worm is getting ready to turn.

Virgo: Love is not supposed to be boastful. It’s not supposed to be loud. Of course, neither one of these applies to lovemaking, which is best when it’s a bit of both. Remember that if it’s not mostly fun, with occasional dashes of infuriating, you’re probably doing something wrong.

Libra: Your lucky color for the week is lavender. Your lucky number is two, because Libras are always happiest when they are paired up, especially when the one they get paired up with has a nice pear-shaped bottom. Of course, Clouds prefers watermelon-shaped bottoms.

Scorpio: Since there’s been a lot on your plate recently, the Stars are going to set aside some time for you to rest and rejuvenate as the month comes to a close. To make the most of this, start to make plans now and make sure you leave the following items at home: your attitude, stress and desires to hang coworkers up by their short-and-curlies.

Sagittarius: Citizen groups all across the country are trying to ban billboards. These folks feel that billboards are inherently dangerous to drivers, since they ask drivers to read while trying to drive. Therefore, your new billboard should read: “Here’s your sign. Much love, God.”

Capricorn: Here are your odd stats of the week: the left breast is usually the larger one; the average lovemaking session lasts a little more than seven minutes; Hawaii and Utah are the happiest states; Capricorns’ lucky days are Saturdays; and the average life expectancy for a bad guy in a Chuck Norris movie is 4 seconds.

Aquarius: The world’s hottest chili is now being used as a weapon in India. They’ve begun making “chili grenades” from a small, fire-engine red pepper known as the “ghost chili.” Since communication in your life is currently resembling a war zone, you might be well advised to stock up on some of these grenades. Just be sure not to drop any bombs such as the following: “You think you’re such a great asset. I think you’ve added a couple letters too many!”

Pisces: Since March is “Humorists are Artists Month” Clouds would like to pass along the following art: “If at first you don’t succeed, trying cheating next time. If at first you don’t succeed, throw a hissy fit. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone close to you. If at first you don’t succeed, roll up your sleeves and get back after it like it just called your mother something nasty!”