Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: This weekend will see the start of a new solar year for Cancerians. To make the most out of this extremely positive transition, take some time out to make out a Must-Do List. Here are a few to get you started: I will visit my dear old friend. I will get a huge promotion. I will add the moniker “Mr./Ms. Awesome” to my title. I will love with the passion, but a little less scratching, of a mountain lion in heat.
Leo: The Stars ask that Leos take some down time this weekend. So, sit back, relax and crack open a few cold ones. Just be sure you don’t do any drinking and driving — and this includes golf carts, golf balls or even driving while wearing nothing more than a golf shirt and a smile. Of course, the latter is fine, so long as you don’t leave the front yard.
Virgo: Your advice for the week comes from fellow Virgo Warren “The Oracle of Omaha” Buffett, one of the richest men in the world. Warren recently said that the best advice he can give about life is that which he learned from his father: “There is no power on Earth like unconditional love … to know that you can always come back (to it), that is huge. It takes you a long, long way.”
Libra: The New Moon this weekend promises to usher in a month-long spell that will highlight friendships in your life. If you’ve been looking for advice, it’s bound to come, so don’t be surprised to find yourself in the kind of heart-to-heart the guys from “Dumb and Dumber” had: “What happened, Lloyd? Did some little filly break your heart? No, it was a girl.”
Scorpio: It looks as though this is going to be a great summer for Scorpios to realize their dreams through social connections, interactions and shooting the breeze by the campfire. To make the most out of it, be open, but not so open that you share things you shouldn’t, such as how you got that “S’mores scar” on your left butt cheek.
Sagittarius: Here are your rules for the week 1) Always keep your hands, feet and sensitive organs inside the vehicle at all times. 2) Believe. 2a) Laugh more often. 2b) Be thankful. 5) Stand in front of the mirror in the buff and say to yourself, “Me lovey long time!”
Capricorn: Since it appears as though your love life will be hotter than Furnace Creek at about 2:37 in the afternoon, according to the University of Texas, here are some of the top reasons people give for making whoopee: #2 It just happened. #4 It seemed like the thing to do. #7 I wanted to feel closer to God. #49 I was drunk.
Aquarius: With wedding season in the Eastern Sierra in full swing, Clouds would like to pass along the following tidbits about love: You know it’s love if you still want to hold hands even after they get sweaty. Love means having to say, “You’re right.” And, courtesy of Plato, “Love is a grave mental disease.”
Pisces: Your element is water. Your symbol is two fishes, tied together, swimming in opposite directions. Your assignment is to remember that life is just like fishing: sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s not-so-great, sometimes the only problem is that your fly isn’t down enough.
Aries: Reggae star Jimmy Cliff was born on April Fool’s Day, but he’s no fool. You see, Jimmy knows that, especially on hot summer days, sometimes the best thing to do is happily sit in limbo, think good thoughts and maybe pass around some medically prescribed Rastafarian brand of medicine. Therefore, sing along to one of Jimmy’s big hits: “Well they’re putting up resistance, but I know that my faith will lead me on.”
Taurus: Here are your enlightening stats of the week: 20% of the world’s population lives in China. 43% of government employees say they work with someone capable of mass violence. 40% of bathing suits bought are never worn. 90% of the time life is up to you. 100% of the time there’s nothing you can’t overcome. 25% of the time (at bare minimum) you should be baring maximum.
Gemini: With text messaging, Twitter and sexting becoming the normal way of communicating in America, Clouds would like to pass along a few easy to use acronyms for those who prefer to never to have actually speak to other people: PYHO: Pull Your Head Out. ICYFU: In Case You F-ed Up. And BMBB: Bite My Beautiful Behind.
