Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: Since self-acceptance is healing and since Scorpios tend to occasionally make their way through life with all the grace of demolition derby drivers, Clouds thought you might relate to John Mayer: “I was born in the arms of imaginary friends. Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been. Half of my heart got a grip on the situation. Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding.”
Sagittarius: This week’s love advice comes from elementary school kids asked about marriage. From nine-year-old Anita, “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” And from 10-year-old Alan, “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. If you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Capricorn: The Stars are asking you to get plenty of rest and relaxation this month since cold and flu season is about to about treat most of us like we’re the beaches of Normandy and they’re a bunch of butt-whipping Americans. To help, please apply a French proverb to your life. Here are two: “A sausage knowing how to dry must know how to dry without drying out!” “Ask the youth. They know everything.”
Aquarius: Not that long ago, reports surfaced about men having allergic reactions to latex condoms, which caused severe swelling. As to just what the problem is, Clouds isn’t sure. Clouds does know that Aquarians tend to usually be the cause of any swelling they receive and often find themselves in odd situations that may or may not include some kind of latex.
Pisces: Since Pisces tend to be secretive people, and since holding onto secrets isn’t good for the soul, your new mission is to open yourself a little to someone you trust. To help get you started, here are some things to admit: I like MC Hammer pants. I think underwear is overrated. Sometimes I wish I were SpongeBob SquarePants.
Aries: You often get blamed for problems you didn’t create. To help with this, try giving weird excuses instead of trying to defend yourself. Here are a couple to get you started: “My imaginary friend is having a bad day.” “This constipation has made me a ticking time bomb.”
Taurus: Taurus is the sign of stability, and most stable when life includes lots of physical pleasures. Therefore, be sure to get some outdoor exercise, and use the following line if you need any indoor exercise: “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”
Gemini: This one’s an air sign, which is one of the reasons its members have such trouble making decisions. Geminis like to dance but need more rest than most. Geminis are at their best when they’re empathetic, and at their worst when they act as if they have the depth of a birdbath.
Cancer: Since most of the members of this sign could use a laugh (and should try to find something to laugh about everyday) your words of wisdom will come from one of the funniest Cancerians of all-time, Robin Williams: “Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they’ve got nothing to lose.”
Leo: This sign is ruled by the Fifth House, which is linked to children and childlike activity. This is why Leos have such a playful and loving energy around them. Therefore, let your inner child out to play this week. These words of wisdom from fellow Leo, outgoing Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, on his decision to enter politics, should help: “It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax.”
Virgo: People often get depressed during late fall. To assure you don’t succumb, there are numerous anti-depressing activities and some can actually be done with your clothes on. For example, you could go for a hike or volunteer somewhere, meet a friend for coffee or tequila, or read some Christopher Moore: “You don’t park in the handicapped space, lest the forces of irony give you a reason to.”
Libra: In a nutshell: There’s no such thing a certainty. All we really have is opportunity. Although that may be too much for a nutshell, depending on the nut of course. After all, we’re all complete nut jobs in our own special way, which is why the world is really just a big bowl of mixed nuts. Accepting this can make life much more enjoyable, as does remembering that nuts go well with beer.
