Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: To help you celebrate your latest birthday, be sure to remember that deep inside of you is a super hero. Who cares if, instead of being Superman or Wonder Woman, you’re more like Megamind? In that spirit, embrace a line from the villain turned hero: “All men must choose between two paths. Good is the path of honor, heroism and nobility. Evil … well, it’s just cooler.”
Taurus: Now that Mercury has gone into retrograde in your neighboring sign of Aries, you may find yourself pondering, well, yourself. So, don’t be afraid to shine a flashlight in there — but not for too long. There are, after all, far better things to do with a flashlight. Clouds suggests games such as “Flashlight Tag,” “Flashlight Chase” and “You flash yours, I’ll flash mine.”
Gemini: With Mercury in retrograde again for a few weeks, this isn’t an ideal time to get married. But it is a great time to date. In matters of the heart — not to mention other regions — Geminis fare best with Leos, Libras and Aquarians. To help test the waters, new or old, this line might help: “Are you free tonight … or will it cost me?”
Cancer: To Clouds and most of you frisky little Cancerians, LOL also means “Lots of Luck” or “Lots of Licking.” But it now officially means “Laugh Out Loud.” Since Cancerians don’t like some rules anyway, try bending some in your life, especially the ones that make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme.
Leo: Since it’s just about time for Leos to stop slouching and get their swaggers back, it’s time you added some rockin’ Rod “The Bod” Stewart to your soundtrack: “I spent some time feeling inferior, standing in front of my mirror. My body stunk, but I kept my funk. At a time when I was right out of luck … I firmly believed that I didn’t need anyone but me, look how wrong you can be! Every picture tells a story, don’t it?”
Virgo: People tend to get more headaches when Mercury is retrograde. Luckily, studies have shown that one of the best cures for headaches is to make love, with or without the passion of wild banshees. To help you banish any aches and pains you may be feeling, read Clouds twice and add this line to your vernacular: “Sorry about what happens later.”
Libra: With Mercury in retrograde for a few weeks, Clouds advises you to think, pause, go for a walk, smoke a cigarillo or grill up a bratwurst before saying or emailing something in anger or frustration. To help remind you how easily words can be misconstrued, your new good luck towns all have issues with their signs getting stolen and can be found (really) in Austria: Windpassing, Wank-on-the-Lake and a place pronounced “Foo-king,” but spelled the naughty way.
Scorpio: As most Scorpios already know, things in life are once again a little off-kilter as Mercury essentially goes in the wrong direction again. But fear not, for Mercury represents the mind — that thing that sits inside a Scorpio’s pretty little head and occasionally gets ignored. So this is a great time to clear out any mental garbage and recycle the case of empties your spirit’s been carrying around.
Sagittarius: The obviously slightly tipsy folks at the Oxford Dictionary recently decided to add a few new words. They include “dot-bomb” (an internet company that goes under), the “heart-symbol” (means love and that most keyboards are now out-of-date) and “muffin top” (the extra ounces of lovable flesh that hang over one’s waistline). In honor of this, your new assignment is to start an “I (heart-symbol) Muffin Tops” movement.
Capricorn: Since the Stars are asking you to be on your best, most patient, thoughtful and compassionate behavior right now, it would help if you didn’t refer to others as “morons” or “fools.” It is, however, okay to agree with one fellow Cap, writer Florence King: “I don’t suffer fools and I like to see fools suffer.”
Aquarius: People will seem more nervous and ill at ease for the next few weeks as Mercury passes. To help ease things up, don’t be so hard on yourself right now. But more importantly, dear Water Bearer, don’t be so hard on other people. Unless they actually ask for it, in which case, let ‘em have it!
Pisces: Violet-eyed big screen Elizabeth Taylor passed away recently. She was a classic Pisces: enchanting, flighty, fun, sexy, fond of substances and extremely challenged by long terms relationships. To make the most of your Piscean ways, ponder a little “One-shot” Liz: “It’s strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.”
