Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: To help you truly celebrate your latest birthday, please accept both gifts this next year will give you. The first, career improvements and learning new things will come easily. The second, which will increase as the year goes on, is a set of hurdles to overcome in your love and personal life. Therefore, remember that every challenge is really an opportunity, and that it’s not nice to answer its knock with a response such as, “Go jam it in your pie hole!”
Aries: A lot of signs are restless for change right now, and Aries is amongst them — usually nipping at their heels and telling them to get after it. But the time has not yet arrived. So try rolling slow and low like Snoop Dogg for a while. And keep in mind what the D-O-double G once said, “You got to be smart enough to know when to change. Like Sam Cooke said, ‘Change is going to come,’ Nephew. And you’d better believe that.”
Taurus: The Stars say you should start getting to the bottom of things. You know, dig deep and find out what the truth is, what the foundation is really made out of. This won’t be easy but hang in there and be advised that it’s not the occasional cold shoulder that gets you, it’s the knee to the groin.
Gemini: Most people don’t like their jobs, and that’s alright. Nobody said you ever had to like work; all the Stars ever ask is that you don’t hide from it (for it does have its rewards), and that if you find something in your life that makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody, then do that thing often. If you’re anything like Clouds, that thing probably involves going pantless.
Cancer: Clouds is starting to hear complaints from Cancerians that life still isn’t flowing as smoothly for them as they think it should. But restlessness and emotions that ebb and flow like the tide are a part of your nature. So first and foremost, stop complaining. It’s not helping. The only thing that needs any help is your attitude. In that spirit, your new mantra comes from the swamplands of the South: “You eitha da gator, or you da gator bait.”
Leo: When at their finest, Leos are very spiritual, positive, successful, sexy beasts. At their worst, they can be starving, rabid cats. It’s about time most Leos end all this and get back in touch with their big, strong inner lion. Let it out, just don’t let it trash the couch, “water” the flowers or eat the neighbors.
Virgo: To help remind you that life is really about attitude and that yours requires regular adjusting, your words of wisdom for the week will come fellow Virgo, Charlie Sheen: 1) “Aahhh winning, duh!” 2) “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.” 2B) “Life comes down to a few moments. This is one of them.”
Libra: The Stars say that now is a good time for you to count your blessings — though, be patient … it might take a while. They’re asking you to do this as a sort of spiritual blessing to yourself. It’s something you should do more often anyway. After all, life is a gift, and Libras are particularly great at rejoicing, with or without clothing.
Scorpio: The vernal equinox this week welcomes the Sun to Aries. This usually portends a hopeful and energetic time of the year — at least it had better be, especially if you’re an accountant. To help keep your numbers in the black, remember that the power sentence for Aries is “I will.” Not to be confused with the typical Scorpio version, “I might.”
Sagittarius: Since the tempers of most folks have been flaring easily recently, and because Sag signers are at their best when keeping their cool and being positive, only PRETEND to do any of the following: Stomp on ketchup packets. Flip off strangers, or acquaintances for that matter. Scream odd questions at people on cell phones such as, “Did you hear that?” .
Capricorn: If you’re in need of a little lovin’ this week (and quite frankly, who isn’t?) just keep in mind that it usually takes a little while to tap into your sensuality, but once tapped, you usually start to resemble Charlie Sheen’s house.
Aquarius: Clouds doesn’t claim to know much about life but does know these three things: Holding a grudge doesn’t get you anywhere. Both getting’ and givin’ love makes you happy. And laughter is the best medicine, especially when the pharmacies and bars are closed. Now take these words of wisdom and go out there and tackle the world. P.S. You may want to wear a helmet. It gets rough out there.
