Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: This next year for Taurus promises to be an exceptional one as it’s essentially a turning point in your life. To help assure it’s a positive, loving and supporting one — and to remind you that laughter is exceptionally powerful — your new good luck movie is “Due Date.” Thus, your good humor line comes from Zack Galifianakis: “I once ate a foot-long corndog at a nude beach. I’ll never do that again.”
Gemini: During the 19th century, the average American man, woman or child drank an average of 30 gallons of beer per year. They drank it for breakfast. They drank it for lunch. And they chased it with whiskey for dinner. And yet the country wasn’t full of raving drunks. For they, like most Geminis, knew that the key to life is moderation, and the exhaust pipe of life is flatulence.
Cancer: The only thing worrying does is increase the chance that what you’re worrying about will come true. So, Cancerians, your assignment for the week is to find something that will make you laugh every time you’re feeling worrisome. This will not only help prevent a nervous breakdown, but laughing is also considered a good abdominal workout. You’ll need to find something else to workout your buns.
Leo: Remember that this one’s a fire sign, and in case you’ve never seen shows such as “Rescue Me” or have an irrational fear of Dalmatians, the one thing that fire must have to survive is air. Therefore, get more fresh air and listen to more Boss, aka Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, who is an air signer (Libra). “Come on rise up. Come on rise up. Come on rise up. Come on rise up. Come on rise up. Come on ri-i-i-ise up!”
Virgo: All you’ve got to do to make something real is to believe in it. This goes for things both good and bad. The indifferent things just sort of appear like dogs in the kitchen when you accidentally drop a piece of bacon on the floor. So there it is, the whole kit and kaboodle … what you do with this information is your own business. What the dogs do in the backyard is their “business.”
Libra: The good news is that scientists in Europe have determined that eating chocolate is actually good for you, especially for older men. They say a candy bar a day will literally help keep the heart doctor away. Therefore, remember to give yourself a treat everyday, if for no other reason than simply because you deserve one.
Scorpio: Earlier this month, almost no one celebrated national Columnist Day. Clouds, however, could be seen prancing around wearing little more than a pen and a smile. If you’re on the lookout for some quality time with a naked dancing partner, try a line such as this one: “I was wondering if you’re feeling okay, because I’m sure you’d feel great to me.”
Sagittarius: As opposed to other, more in-the-moment types of astrology, Natal astrology focuses more on the general path, character, strengths and weaknesses associated with a person’s life. Therefore, Sagittarians are better off not completely agreeing with fellow fire sign, Leo Denis Leary: “Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?”
Capricorn: Members of this sign have a weakness for being too analytical and a tad overly serious. And all work and no play just makes you crazy and tends to turn off the rest of us. Clouds hopes someday soon you can sing the following, even if out of key or only while driving, from the Indigo Girls: “And the best thing you’ve ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously. It’s only life, after all!”
Aquarius: The Stars say you may stumble across some sorts of misunderstandings with a partner this week. If you do wind up getting into a fight, you might as well try to throw in a goal and an assist, too, so you can get a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. It is play-off time, you know!
Pisces: It’s said that you can always tell a Clouds McClouds fan —the big smile, the aura of sexiness, the enticing air of self-acceptance — you just can’t tell them much. That’s because they prefer to be shown things, preferably with the lights on and Barry White playing in the background. And be sure to work on strutting this week.
Aries: Here are your lessons for the week: 1) Temper is the only thing you can’t get over by losing. Dos) A “Labeorphilist” is someone who collects beer bottles. XVII) You don’t have to change your underwear to change the world. It just makes you better prepared to do so.
