Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Since it’s always a good idea for the people of this sign to celebrate life and themselves, be sure to do something special to mark your birthday month. To help, remember there once was a time when the only people allowed to celebrate were royalty. And if you consider getting your village ransacked and barn animals accosted a celebration, please move to Vancouver.
Leo: Here’s your new fable: During one of the coldest winters ever, a group of porcupines decided to huddle together for warmth. But they kept pricking each other with their quills. So, they disbanded, and subsequently began to die. Eventually, a few of them decided that small wounds were better than death, got back together and all lived happily ever after. The moral: It’s best to learn to live with some small pricks in your life.
Virgo: Since you’re bound to feel more empowered during the next few weeks, here’s some general life advice: 1. What goes around always comes around. B. Deep blues and grays, the colors of refinement, are your lucky ones. Thirdly. If you want to get a happy ending, you’ll have to pay a little extra.
Libra: The Stars say life should be smooth sailing for you for the next few weeks. So it would be a good idea for you to take advantage of this by spending some quality time with family and friends. It’ll help if you keep in mind that the present is indeed a present, and not the kind of present dogs leave on the bike path.
Scorpio: According to the Stars, this summer would be an ideal time for you to take an adventure of some sort. You could go across the globe or to a hidden corner of your own backyard. The key isn’t where you go physically; it’s about where you go spiritually. And don’t worry, dear Scorpio, most such places are top and/or bottoms optional.
Sagittarius: We all tend to like to wrap our fears around us like a pita, with or without fresh onions. The thing about fear is that there really is nothing to fear but fear itself … well, that and the fact that onion breath has been known to ruin many a scoring opportunity. Therefore, your assignment is to be sure you’re stocked up on gum and/or Altoids.
Capricorn: Breaking news from the Stars is that you may find yourself in a power struggle with a significant other or co-worker this week. To help keep things cool and balanced, it’s best to be proactive and probably a little procreative. A line such as the following might help keep things from boiling over: “You’re right, sometimes I can be a son of a motherless goat.”
Aquarius: While it’s long been accepted that necessity is the mother of invention, desperation might have been his father. The point is there is no point. It’s all about perspective. So try and perceive yourself as being happy, über-successful and as sexy as a spandex-clad super model who just finished up a workout full of lunges.
Pisces: A recent study determined that people who don’t graduate from college are twice as likely to get cancer as those who do. Some speculate it’s because college grads are more likely to have insurance, Clouds disagrees, and thinks it’s because a college diploma is an accomplishment you can feel good about, especially when coupled with beer-filled memories of general foolishness, for the rest of your life — even if student loan nightmares keep you up most nights.
Aries: Most people from L.A. have the most sex per year, or so says a recent study. The City of Angels was also found to be the most adventurous. Unfortunately, L.A. didn’t score very high on the satisfactory scale. Philly took that title, which once again goes to show that quality spanks quantity every time.
Taurus: Earlier this week, actor Ryan O’Neal blamed himself and his family for his longtime lover Farrah Fawcett’s death from cancer. While this statement confused many, Clouds sees it simply as a sign of true love (which knows no bounds) for the lady who once said, “God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I’ve ever met.”
Gemini: It’s time you took President Reagan’s advice and tear down some of your own walls. You know, expand your horizons, open your mind and evolve your way of thinking. One of the best ways to do this is to take a long walk in somebody else’s shoes. The Gipper will be proud of your effort, but remember to wear the right socks, because foot odor spreads like Velveeta.
