Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Virgos are detail oriented and dogmatic enough to be as successful and happy in whatever they focus on in this dog-eat-dog world. Luckily, these traits — as well as trying to simplify your life and expenses — are the keys to the next year of your life. One way to pare down and save money is to wear less clothes and Scooby-Doo more often.
Libra: The following warning should be applied to all Stud Finders: Be careful when using this product in the general vicinity of C. McCloud or any of Clouds’ sycophants. Therefore, your mantra for the rest of your life, which by the way, begins right now is: Feel good and you are good!
Scorpio: Scorpios are at their best when their lives are slightly out of balance, with hope, love and heartfelt boot-knocking just outweighing doubt, despair and being “easy like Sunday morning.” Scorpios in fact tend to be more along the lines of a “little uneasy like midnight on a Tuesday,” which is also your lucky day.
Sagittarius: The Stars advise flexibility this week. Does this mean you should practice Yoga? It wouldn’t hurt, although it might if you’re not careful. The only thing you’ve got to be careful about this week is your attitude, because if you decide to take a “my way or the highway” approach to anything you’re bound to get stuck hitchhiking.
Capricorn: Life is really far less complicated than we make it out to be. Dream it, move towards it, believe it and achieve it. Your new assignment: every time you find your panties are getting in a bunch, just take them off.
Aquarius: Your helpful hints for the week: S) Potatoes were once thought to be an immoral plant. H) When cooked and mixed with milk, potatoes are considered to be a vitamin-rich meal. i) It helps to laugh. T) This should help: “How do you handle an angry potato? Butter him up and sprinkle on a little bacon.”
Pisces: To help keep things smooth in your romantic relationship, don’t say anything that sounds even remotely like the following: “You know, you’re really sort of ugly, but yet there’s still something about you that I find attractive.”
Aries: Choose your own advice for the week from Billy Collins, a fellow Aries and former Poet Laureate of America: 1) “Realize that Hope has feathers, that Reason is a plank, that Life is a loaded gun.” 2) “Someone inside me will not get off his tricycle.”
Taurus: The Stars say this is the time to confront your unconscious, and maybe go a couple of rounds with some issues you’ve got buried in your corner. If you can survive these small battles without throwing any cheap shots or low blows, the judges promise to give you the decision. The smart money is on you winning by TKO.
Gemini: While it’s true that denial isn’t just some river in Africa, it does have a lot in common with rivers. Denial always picks the path of least resistance, even if that means it has to tumble over rocks or run straight into a dam. Therefore your words for the week come from fellow Gemini, Tim “the Toolman” Allen: “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”
Cancer: The Stars report you’ll be feeling creative and sensual all month. For inspiration, consider the soda companies. They’re always tweaking their brands and labels to keep them feeling fresh. Right now, you should try doing the same; just don’t go crazy on the high fructose corn syrup.
Leo: In relationships, Leos tend to be hard to get, and hard to get rid of. That’s because Leos tend to believe that love — and perhaps ribs, beer and your favorite ball club — are the types of things worth fighting over. Only Leos tend to forget that the best way to win most fights is to never throw a single punch.
