Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: The Stars report that the biggest key to taking the next big step in your life is to actually take a step. Just standing there pouting and expecting someone to build an escalator for you isn’t going to do it. To help, update your Bucket List and don’t pout — unless you look cute or sexy pouting, in which case do so liberally.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians tend to be forward thinking folks. Therefore the key to their success often lies in simply remembering to peek into the rearview mirror every once in awhile to see who you’ve left behind or perhaps even run over. To help, remember that just because you’re moving doesn’t mean you’re making progress. Your Michael Jackson moves are more along the lines of the pelvic thrust and the toe stand.
Capricorn: Just in case you forgot, we all have an awkward teenager inside of us, just like we all have an awestruck child and lovestruck adult stuck inside of us, too. And they’re all ready to burst out of us at any given moment, like gas after eating beans. Which is why you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Everybody toots.
Aquarius: Don’t be surprised if a lucky horseshoe falls on your head, somebody accidentally feeds you their prized four-leafed clover in a mixed greens salad or you come within a few inches of having a lucky rabbit’s foot enema if you sit down without looking. You’re on a lucky streak, my friend, so buckle up — the ride should get nice and bouncy.
Pisces: If you are unencumbered by a partner but would like to be, or if your partnership has been feeling a little cumbersome, good news is coming your way. According to Clouds, the Stars say that the encumbering-in-all-the-right-ways season is upon us. To help you embrace it, try this line: “I might not have graduated Magna Cum Laude, but I’d love to study dirty Latin phrases with you.”
Aries: Any connections you make right now, be they professional or in the boudoir, are bound to be strong, long lasting and passionate, just how you like them. If any rejections from the past are still nipping at your heels, remember: one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. It’s a lot more fun when it’s a little trashy, anyway.
Taurus: To help you embrace this glorious time of the year, here are your two assignments: 1) Try to remember that the smartest bulls know that sometimes the winner is the one peacefully walking away. 2) Please give yourself a mood-boosting imaginary friend, just don’t talk with him or her out loud, and make sure the last name is an adverb, such as “Dangerously.”
Gemini: Twins-signers can be very good at remembering that things are best when they are simple. Of course Geminis also sometimes love to get all tangled up in the details, especially if those details include bed sheets. So try to remember that success breeds success, just like people breed people.
Cancer: It’s not always easy to give advice, unless you’ve been drinking, and then it’s effortless, albeit highly questionable. But Cancers don’t seem to mind; they’re curators of suggestions, and can sometimes offer fairly odd ones. That’s because you folks see things differently than the rest of us, so we usually appreciate it when you send us a signal or two. It’s just that we prefer them to be sugarcoated or at least served with a side of something saucy.
Leo: Since there’s no point in watching Leos ruin one of the wonderful moments that life is beginning to snow down upon them, take time to do some daily deep breathing, and only drop lines from “Johnny Dangerously” when frustrated: “You miserable corksucker!” “This is fargin’ war!” or “My icehole friends!”
Virgo: For obvious reasons it’s a lot easier to get angry than to stay calm. It all has something to do with breathing and perception. After all, life ain’t much more than what you perceive it to be. So if you don’t like getting downright pissed off, don’t. Make a change, just don’t change into a Kardashian.
Libra: You’re on positive roll. The good times are starting to act like it’s Mardi Gras, and you’ll be doing almost anything to get some beads, so adopt the following: New (Orleans) motto: “Dis, Dat or d’Udda.” New love line: “How about if I be the chemist and you cuddle with me until we get a reaction?” New non-sequitur: “All hat and not much cowboy.”
