Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: To help Capricorns release some of their need to control parts of life that can’t always be controlled, like family, work and knocking boots, your positive reminder for the week is that at least you’re not an editor at The Charlotte Observer. That paper accidentally printed that basketball player Baron Davis wasn’t out with a herniated “disk,” but rather a “herniated di*k.” So your new motto is: Don’t be a Richard!
Aquarius: As is sometimes the case for strongly opinionated Aquarians, other people occasionally complain about Clouds. They say the Horrorscopes are too dumb or perverted to make any sense. Luckily, as with Aquarians, those who love Clouds do so with a passion. Therefore, please remember that you can’t have compassion without some passion.
Pisces: Your good luck word for the month is “balance.” Your good luck color is sea green. Your lucky number is 26. And your get lucky line should sound nothing like this one from a Mr. Syzlak, “Hi, my name’s Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, ‘Hey you in the bushes.’”
Aries: The rest of this month is an ideal time for you to get out there and socialize. You know, go rub some elbows, share some stories and ideas, kiss some babies or try making some. The great thing about life is that you never know when the next person you meet will be someone who’ll help change your life—and hopefully not in the “you’ll probably want to get that checked out” sort of way.
Taurus: It would behoove Tauruses to work on curbing their sharp tongues more this year. And since Taurus is represented by the bull, which is a hoofed and horned animal, please at least take a deep, slow breath before spouting all over anyone in the near future. To help remind you to think before you speak, spend some time thinking about this line from fellow Taurus, Jack Nicholson: “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Gemini: The number one ingredient in achieving a New Year’s resolution is not beer (though beer certainly has a place in the reward category), it’s willpower. To help increase yours, remember to love yourself, to eat healthier, to get plenty of sleep and to not let your fanny feel like it’s been Superglued to the couch or barstool.
Cancer: Like most people, you’re a person, too. We are, after all, just people, regardless of our color or creed, religion or SAT score. That’s why we all need to start being kinder and more compassionate towards one another in this magical new year; except, of course, to politicians, bank executives or anyone who puts a “Jersey Shore” cast member on TV.
Leo: With Saturn dancing through your sign for the next few months this would be a good time to really put some thought into what your ideal life would be. Take some time to imagine your dreams coming true and don’t skimp out on any of the details, especially the details involving skimpy outfits—you are a Leo.
Virgo: Studies have shown that people who forgive are physically healthier and mentally happier than people who have trouble with forgiveness and choose to hold onto anger. If nudity on your part or the parts of others is part of the forgiving process, your progress is coming along nicely.
Libra: Seeing as how this is the time of year when people try to quit certain habits or get healthy, how about you kick the bad habit of judging others so harshly. After all, every last stinking one of us is addicted to something of some sort, whether it’s coffee, sex, marijuana, cleanliness, cigarettes, skiing, Simpson’s reruns, diet soda, work, sleeping … the list goes on and on like a Grateful Dead song. So please remember we’re all freaks in our own ways.
Scorpio: Since this would be the perfect week for you to milk a little something special out of your daily life, your McNuggets of wisdom relate to cows. 1) Cows can only walk up stairs. 2) As Blue Oyster Cult reminds us, we can all use more cowbell. Finally) Happiness isn’t a place, it’s a state of mind, the state of mind that usually wants more rings, more cowbells.
Sagittarius: This week, all Clouds requests is that you keep the following few things in mind: You can’t go through life scared, nor can you go through life angry. You can, however, go through life patiently, hopefully, humorously, horny and little sassy now and then—in fact, this is how you should be going through life. So make any necessary adjustments and don’t get your panties in a Bundchen – the Pats are on a bye week anyway.
