Page 2: Extremely sad and incredibly miserable
At this same time last week, I was sitting in a Santa Barbara courtroom. Seated directly in front of me were Dr. Andrew Bourne and his wife, Gilann. They were holding hands, occasionally sharing a whispered thought back and forth.
The following is what I wrote on my legal pad:
“Standing by a loved one in the eye of public humiliation. Others perceive it as pathetic. How can you stand by someone who broke your heart in that way? And yet … there is something profound about it. Noble. Simple. Real. It strips away everything that one’s life has been adorned with. It’s just two people, partners, lovers, trying to get through something. Just waiting together. Holding hands. Just like it was in the very beginning. In the moment in a way they might not normally be in everyday life. It makes me want to go home and hug my wife.”
Today, I have someone to go home to and Gilann does not, and that is a very wrenching thought.
I have heard more rumors and secondhand information about the Bourne/Walker case than you can possibly imagine. I have no idea how big the iceberg is, or what part of it still remains hidden beneath the surface. I don’t know whether the case is relatively benign or wildly salacious, whether the case is isolated, or whether it reflects a pattern of behavior for either man.
I do know studies suggest a clear link between high-risk teen behaviors and subsequent depression and even suicide. According to Dr. Jane Anderson, writing for the American College of Pediatricians:
“In the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, 13,491 adolescents in grades 7 to 11 were interviewed in 1995 and again one year later. The authors differentiated the cause and effects of depression and found that early high-risk behaviors, including sexual activity and drug use, were linked with later depression.
“Clearly, the adolescent years are a time of rapid brain development, a time of susceptibility … High-risk behaviors encountered during these vulnerable years can have lasting adverse consequences and should be avoided.”
I also don’t believe the police just invented the whole thing. Wrong was committed on some level. Wrongs. I ask myself what if it had been my daughter? What is a just punishment? Could I forgive?
They say that in life, there are no coincidences. So perhaps it was no coincidence that I watched Sir Richard Attenborough’s film “Gandhi” on Monday night.
I last saw the film in the theaters when I was 14.
In one of the later scenes, just before Gandhi’s assasination, Hindus and Muslims are engaged in Civil War, slaughtering each other, and Gandhi undertakes a hunger strike to stop the fighting, vowing not to eat until the violence stops.
And a Hindu man, clearly anguished, visits him, and tells him that he is trapped in a personal hell because he has murdered a Muslim in retaliation for the Muslims killing his son.
Gandhi suggests to the man that there is a way out of his hell – and that is to adopt a young Muslim boy and to raise that boy as a Muslim.
As Gandhi said, “The only devils in the world are those running around in our own hearts. And that is where all our battles ought to be fought.”
We traditionally look upon doctors as gods, not as flawed individuals. In some respects, I have great pity upon doctors, because they carry this great weight of expectation. To elaborate on what Hartley says in his column this week, the ethical standard required to be a Republican candidate for President is a helluva lot less stringent than the standard required to practice medicine.
May 17, 2003. I had just finished publication of the fourth-ever issue of The Sheet and drove home to Sunny Slopes and on the way stopped in to have a few drinks at Tom’s Place. And on my way across the highway I was stopped by a CHP officer who had been laying in wait and claimed that I had crossed a double yellow-line making a left turn.
So he put me through the various tests which I passed without a hitch and … he let me go. But if I’d stayed a bit longer and had a few more drinks, maybe The Sheet would’ve ended before it began.
I vowed that night that if I wanted to become anything more than a historical footnote – if I really wanted to remain in the community and have a voice in the community – that I needed to adhere to a higher standard. But it was easy for me to crawl inside the boundaries of my little self-imposed box. It can be cold and dark out there in the wilderness. And I had spent enough time out in the wilderness to know.
It makes me want to go home and hug my daughter.
I think about Andy Bourne and that straight-and-narrow path of a doctor. Maybe he never spent enough time out there in the wilderness of spectacular failure, unrealized dreams and general uncertainty. Maybe he just got claustrophobic, temporarily insane …
I’m just trying to understand.
That’s why I find his apparent suicide so frustrating. I find that it provides an enormous blocker to a conversation that needs to occur, that should occur. How does a community heal, understand, reach closure, look itself in the mirror when that mirror’s been effectively shattered.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had over the past several weeks where women have told me about adolescent sexual experiences they had with significantly older men. Experiences that they undoubtedly never shared with their parents. For some, it was nothing more than that – an experience woven into a mosaic of experiences. For others, it had longer-lasting impact, longer-ranging repercussions.
I hope this teenage girl is okay, that this does not affect her ultimate life’s arc, her ultimate fulfillment.
My wife recalled the other day one definition she heard about forgiveness (sorry, no attribution), which is to “waive the right to hurt someone because they hurt you.”
Or, as Gandhi said, “For myself, I’ve found we’re all such sinners; we should leave punishment to God. And if we really want to change things, there are better things than derailing trains or slashing someone with a sword.”
A fund for the benefit of Gilann Bourne & Family has been set up at the Eastern Sierra Community Bank in Mammoth Lakes. In lieu of sending flowers, contributions may be made to “FBO Gilann Bourne & Family” (Account # 5015553) and dropped off or mailed to:
Eastern Sierra Community Bank
307 Old Mammoth Rd.
PO Box 5069
Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546
ATTN: Yvonne Martin
760.923.1500
ymartin@escbank.com
A Celebration of Life Ceremony for Bourne has been scheduled for Saturday, Feb. 4, from 2-4 p.m. at Cerro Coso. All who were touched by Bourne’s life, talents and energy are encouraged to attend.
Beautiful.
Well said, Ted.
the most beautiful thing i have read in a long time.
Well rounded perspectives. Much appreciated.
In 2005, a woman who was distraught began driving the wrong way on 299 in Trinity County. She ran others off the road and finally hit head-on and killed my mother. Despair is enigmatic. What we do with it makes a difference. I’ve been despondent and have contemplated the nothingness that relieves unrelenting pain. I was blessed to become numb enough to pick myself up and make my way home. Andy dealt with his despair gracefully and in a way that physically hurt no one but himself. We are living in the emotional aftermath of his pain. I wish I had been there to tell him that in time, he would see that there was a reason, or a million, to live through the pain of each day until his life improved.
Sometimes the only redeeming feature of a painful day is that the day will end. His day ended; I only wish it were only one of his days.
My love to his family and to all of us who suffer from the ending of it.
My love to her and her family…may she grow up with perspective and may her suffering cause her to learn that in helping others through their pain, our intrinsically flawed lives are worthy.
Perhaps that’s why I chose my path and why Andy chose his.
We do not know what goes on behind the curtains in someone’s mind, no matter how much we think we know them.
A former college roommate of mine was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Those us who knew him were in disbelief – gentle, kind Brad? The guy I went (solo) on a 3 day road-bike & camping trip with in the Anderson-Sonoma valley? The guy who I baked chocolate chip cookies with as respite from midterms & finals? The death was gruesome, and those of us who knew him could not beleive that the Brad we knew and loved as a friend had the capacity to kill (http://articles.latimes.com/1988-04-21/news/mn-2547_1_massive-search OR http://67.21.3.118/research/CaseLevel3/69026) . He was ultimately convicted in a retrial of voluntary manslaughter.
More recently, I worked professionally with a high-level staffer to a high ranking official. I had known him 3-4 years, he was an altar-boy as a kid, he was thinking of asking his girlfriend to marry him, and all that good stuff. To my & other colleagues’ shock & horror, he was arrested out of the blue on charges of trafficking in child porn (boys), in the midst of a key issue we were working on. He was convicted, threw away his promising career and now sits in jail.
The point to all this is: I am not saying Dr. Bourne is guilty – we will never know. But socially deviant behavior comes in all forms and from all sectors of our society. Only he (and the girl) knew the truth, and perhaps that’s as it should be. It’s only sad, as Ted Carleton says, that we will never be able to have the community dialogue that perhaps we needed to have, not only about the alleged crime(s) but about how we deal & cope with these issues in a small community where everybody knows everybody.
Instead now there is finger-pointing and blame among the survivors over the cause of his death and whether or not he was guilty in the first place. He made the choice to kill himself. And it seems the best thing now is for all of us to accept that fact, stop casting blame at the media or your neighbors or the scared parents of other teenage girls for what happened, support the families and move on.
I have to say that I am shocked and disappointed that Rusty and the hill have decided to host a memorial service this weekend at Canyon Lodge for an accused sexual predator who decided to take his own life rather than face the charges against him. I’ve lost a lot of respect for Rusty and mountain management. And I wonder, has MMSA majority owner Barry Sternlicht been informed of this ill-advised decision?
I have to say this note is far more reasonable and understanding than the other one written by Mr. Page and the poor analogy he presents.
For those throughout the community that are shedding the blame for all this onto everyone else other than the “Good” Doctor, I say boo hoo to you all.
I now see that a public Memorial will be held at Canyon Lodge with all the fanfare given to a person of commendable character and extreme honor. Just another example of how this town manages to jump feet first into something without first thinking of their actions investigating the “Rest of the Story”. Hot Creek ring a bell?
The media all over the world will take this on and they will indeed wait patiently for the Joe’s trial. Evidence will be presented at that trial and rest assured that Joe’s attorney and defense team will bring up Andrew’s supposed part in all this. Some of the evidence against Andrew will most likely come up and be presented by the DA and the prosecution. I truly hope to god that evidence does not include police surveillance video’s which were approved by a judge to be taken, all the emails/correspondence, and testimony from the victim herself. If it indeed does, and Joe is convicted for his part in all this selfish disgusting mess, then the Town of Mammoth Lakes, CA will once again be made into community of clowns throughout the world and proven again that they are completely clueless to the realities of the truth which has been presented before them yet they refused to accept to believe.
The media will indeed have a field day and the integrity and character of this entire town will be at stake, again. All this because some could not accept the fact that Dr. Andrew Bourne could indeed have committed these acts that he was indicted on but did not have the character nor moral fiber to stand up and either take responsibility for his chosen actions and behavior. Or, even more representative of man of honor, courage and dignity, fight the good fight and prove his innocence till the end.
But instead, the good doctor chose to take the easy way out and remove himself from the entire mess via his suicide. Taking with him the truth of what truly happened. In doing so, he leaves his family and friends to fight his battles and deal with his actions for the rest of their days on earth.
Yup, that their chosen suicide is the action and true mark of a good, honorable and respectable human being that should indeed be honored.
Like the bumper sticker I saw the other day states, this town really needs to rethink and regroup it’s priorities.
“Mammoth Lakes.
A town without a clue.”
I dont understand how so many intellegant people can be fooled. Most predators dont wear a sign telling you they are one. If anything it would be the opposite. Gaining the trust of those around us so that they can pounce when no one is looking. I had the chance to spend a small time with your beloved Dr. Bourne, and yes I too was fooled by his kindness and Overwhelming need to show all who were watching that he was the GOD you think he was. I dont have a wonderful story about how he saved my child because they were dying, just the opposite. What I heard while I was in Mammoth was not that he was the great Dr, you want us to believe. Most people go outside of Mammoth to seek medical treatment, if your from there. Because I did not listen, now some one I love is going to suffer for the rest of their lives, because God Bourne made a simple surgery nearly kill them. When his nurses tell you if it was my child I would get them out of here! 56 days in hospitals, anymore surgeries would kill them, God had already done 3 in 10 days., NG tubes, feeding tubes, Just for Gall bladder removal!Then the coward cant stand living with people believing he is not GOD took his life. Leaving his family to deal with it all!! Everyday my loved one wakes up sick knowing they are going to be like this the rest of their lives. Thank You Dr. Bourne for doing this to them. Im sorry but I cant be quiet anymore. I read your post and I am shocked at how so many people can still stand up for such a creep. I admit, he is a smooth operator, and from my own experience with him I can see how so many people could be manipulated. All his good deeds are truley wonderful. Did anyone think maybe he did it just to hide the sick mind he had!