Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: In honor of Valentine’s Day, this version of HorrorScopes is amorous in nature. Therefore, please remember that Aquarians have the most luck in such amorous and au natural affairs with people who don’t come on too strong, especially fellow free spirits like Sagittarians and Aries. That’s why this motto might help: “Free your ass and your mind will follow.”
Pisces: The ideal love mates for Pisces are Scorpios, followed by Capricorn and Cancer. To help anyone interested in courting one, here are a few Pisces-isms to keep in mind. 1) Pisces have strong psychic abilities. 2) Love to Pisces is what Floaties are to toddlers in a swimming pool. 3) Pisces need romance they way some of us need beer. !) Pisces naturally put the “assy” in “Sassy-pants.”
Aries: The best way to begin a relationship with an Aries is to be assertive. Telling them stuff like you find them smart, sexy, mysterious or overdressed is usually the ticket. Just don’t lie to them. Aries have a very strong ability to detect bull products. The following line uttered by a Leo, Aquarius or Gemini, would suffice: “I was wondering if I could interest you in a round of Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong, I’ll supply the Shama-Lama?”
Taurus: This much we know is true: Irony strikes at the most opportune times, but Karma is a little more savvy. Snowboarders spend an average of four more days on the hill each season than skiers do. Taurus has luck in love with Cancer, Virgo and Taurus. And “Honest” Abe Lincoln was right: “Most people are as happy as they choose to be.”
Gemini: Sometimes life feels as effortless as trying to carve turns down a freshly groomed ski run. Sometimes life feels like you’re trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with one hand and a spork. Geminis enjoy the feel of life better when they have a Leo, Libra or Aquarius to share it with, especially if that sharing includes lots of “Tonsil Hockey.”
Cancer: First, Cancers have the best amorous bet when matched with Leos, Tauruses and Scorpios. Lastly, Cancers shouldn’t bet the farm if they try to get something started with an Aries, Gemini or Aquarius, or by starting things off with something like, “I want to be all over you like a bad rash.”
Leo: Leo has the most ease finding love with Aries, Libra and Sagittarius. Leo has the most trouble in amorous affairs with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn. That’s because most Leos like this motto from TV’s Alex P. Keaton, “I’m hip. I’m cool. I’m a happening fool.” And enjoy pick up lines like this, “You’re parents must have been bakers ‘cause you’ve sure got nice buns.”
Virgo: Since it might feel like life is testing you right now, this simple cheat sheet should help. 1) Love is as much about attitude as it is about emotion. 2) Your ideal mates are Taurus, Capricorn or other Virgos. 33) And whenever asked your sexual preference always answer “often.”
Libra: Studies have shown that people in love are 30% more likely to remember their dreams. And since dreams are often gateways into the future and subconscious, sometimes—but not always—it’s good to remember your dreams. Therefore, remember your dream mates are Aquarius, Sagittarius and Leo. And this quote from dream analyst, Carl Jung: “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.”
Scorpio: With love in the air please remember that Scorpios have the most luck in love with Cancer, Capricorn, and Pisces. But since Scorpios are occasionally known for blowing past the “Sexual Boundaries Stop Sign” like it was a flashing green light regardless of the other person’s astrological sign, your words of wisdom for the week will come from the film, Run Fat Boy Run: “Keep your hands out of the scrotal zone while you’re at work.”
Sagittarius: Since sharing laughter is one of the biggest keys to maintaining a happy and physically connected relationship, here are some funny lines to get things started (preferably for you, with an Aries, Leo or Aquarius). A)”You must be from Jamaica because your Jamacian me randy!” B) “Excuse me, but does my tongue taste funny to you?” C) “Can I buy a drink or would you just prefer the money.”
Capricorn: Here is your Valentine’s Day inspired poem: Roses are red, Violets are blue. If you pick a Taurus, Virgo or Scorpio, you’re less likely to regularly holler out, “Screw You!” (Although please be warned that any relationship with a Scorpio will lead to hot fights and even hotter make up sessions, and with a Virgo, learn to apologize!)
