Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: Aquarians tend to be artistic, creative folks. They also tend to be more crabby when they aren’t lighting their creative side like a blow torch. To help avoid the crabs, be sure to plan regular creative time in your life and always remember that “Earth” without “art” is just ‘eh.’”
Pisces: With Spring on the not-too-distant horizon, it can only mean one thing: wedding and “Spring Fling” season is just around the corner. This being the case, Clouds submits the following amorous advice: For men, make sure there’s an open bar at the wedding (it’s the least you can do for your buddies) and learn the different womanly meanings of “I’m fine.” For women, wear lingerie for your man at least once a week and pretend you like Sportscenter.
Aries: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for the week, to be dunked in your favorite dipping sauce: Hands are meant to be held. Lips are meant to be kissed. Words are meant to be spoken. Dreams are meant to come true. Hearts are meant to be open. And idle hands are the devil’s workshop, which is why they can be so darn much fun!
Taurus: The Stars say that a wrong done in your life is about to be righted. When this happens, try to handle yourself with grace and dignity. But don’t forget to allow a little room for gloating, so long as you don’t react in a typical Taurus way by dropping trou’ and hollering out, “It’s time to let the butt kissing commence!”
Gemini: Spoken words have incredible power, so watch what you let blast out of your yap for the next several weeks. You never know when what sounds like simple fun to you will sound like a good reason for a restraining order to someone else.
Cancer: Each and every last stinkin’ one of us is imperfect. We’re all flawed and funky. The real keys to contentment, success and love is how we handle these traits. You can either ignore them, be disgusted by them or never work on them. Or you can accept and rejoice in them as though they’re gifts from Heaven, which is what they are … except for that kinky side of you, which is a gift from Clouds!
Leo: Clouds often worries about Leos, since you guys care about things with the depth of the ocean, but can be as stubborn as barnacles. Therefore, Clouds offers up these three gems: Uno) You don’t always have to be right. Dos Equis) When you complain, you remain. Corona) Courtesy of a bottle cap of Moose Drool beer: “Less pants; more Banjo!”
Virgo: If you’ve never read a book that has changed your life in some mystical, magical way, you’re doing it wrong. But at least you’re obviously reading The Sheet, so you’ve taken an important step in the right direction. As for which direction that is, Clouds’ guess is that we’re headed in the general direction of Confusion. Virgos, however, rarely get confused about who they are and that’s why the rest of us look up to them … that and because Virgos tend to have tall personalities.
Libra: Here are your Universal truths to ponder for the week: 1) The more touchy-feely (High-5s, Chest Bumps, Butt Slaps, etc.) a sports team is, the more likely they are to be successful. This goes double for marriages and relationships with cellmates. 2) Laughter stimulates creativity. 3) As Jimmy Fallon asked, “What is brisket, anyway? It’s a either a meaty biscuit or a bitchy Triscuit.”
Scorpio: You might be having trouble finding a balance between work and family right now. But don’t panic. All you have to do to get through this period is to ask for a little help. For the record, asking a friend, lover or a co-worker for help is just fine, so long you don’t wait until next Thanksgiving to show your thanks.
Sagittarius: Right about now it probably feels as though life has — against your wishes — entered you in the 2012 Run Amok Marathon. That’s because it has. To help you run a good race, keep your shoes laced tight and do your best to keep smiling. This thought from Bruce Willis’s “Die Hard” character, John McClane, should help: “All things being equal, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
Capricorn: Believe it or not, Denmark, not Disney World, is considered the happiest place on Earth, and not just because the danishes are so delicious. Denmark offers its people free education and healthcare. The real key, though, is that they prioritize health and happiness over wealth. Therefore, your new mission is to release the Great Dane in you; just be sure to load up on large poop bags.
