Ahhhh. The Free Agent season begins. That means some dumb teams are already making it rain … throwing money after players they shouldn’t overpay for. And the ones that usually get in trouble are the ones paying for players the first day of free agency … the same people that run to the store on Black Friday for that one $300 car and come back with $10,000 worth of other stuff that is worth $6,000. Classic dummies. A quick list after just the first day or so of examples:
1. Niners sign Randy Moss. Why? You take a QB who is a true rebuilding project in Alex Smith and you put one of the worst diva, me-first WRs and teammates with him? I don’t get it. And when I hear people say it is a no-risk signing it makes me want to punch those people in the mouth. The same people saying it is no-risk will dog the team when Randy Moss gets benched and kicked off the team. This bum admits to taking plays off and a coach who preaches hard work and team togetherness signs this jerk to infect his locker-room. I don’t get it.
2. Bears trade for Brandon Marshall. Why? Cuz him and Jay Cutler are buddies. Now you have a malcontent QB and a malcontent, miscreant WR to go with him? Wow. This is a terrible trade. And Brandon Marshall was in another incident in a bar just this past weekend. He is accused of “accidentally punching a woman in the face” while trying to protect his wife who was hit in the head with a bottle? LOL. And it isn’t Brandon’s fault I am sure. But I know this, you know where you don’t punch a woman in the face or your mom gets hit in the head with a bottle? At your house … oh … maybe not cuz didn’t Marshall get accused of beating the hell out of his old girlfriends. Bigger question … how does a wife-beater have a wife? Cuz just like in football, where if you are a complete jerk and you have talent, you will still get a job with some team and make a bunch of money. And you can parlay that money into a long and fulfilling life of being a jerk off the field. Cuz if you are a complete jerk with money, you will still get a girlfriend. Sometimes 3 or 4 of them at at the same time. Funny right?
3. Vincent Jackson for $55 million for 5 years. He is 29 years old. I don’t like the overall signing. If they went 3 years with a 4 option you could see it, but they will say “we needed the fifth year for him to sign.” Then they should let some other team have him for 5 years. He is good, not great. Mike Williams will be better with Jackson over there, but still too much for a receiver that can disappear in games completely.
4. Desean Jackson … the Eagles paid him cuz they are afraid of him being a free agent. So they paid the malcontent $51 million. Another jerk with talent.
5. Pierre Garcon got $42 million for 5 years? Pierre Garcon. Wow. This one will go down with the Alvin Harper deal.
6. Cortland Finnegan. The Rams and their new genius coach Jeff Fisher signed Finnegan for $51 million? Isn’t he over 30 right now as a CB and wasn’t fast when he was 24. Unbelievable.
7. Peyton Hillis. What about his behavior and performance last year made a team want to waste salary, roster space or a jock strap on that punk? I could find a Peyton Hillis in the fifth round of the draft. And dare him to have an attitude or I would threaten to cut him and sign his best friend to fill his rule. Punk.
More Randy Moss. Randy Moss had one thing … speed. Consider that he was naturally gifted but didn’t work out anymore then Jabba the Hutt. So he is mid-thirties now and doesn’t take care of himself. He is one of the people you know that can eat McRib sandwiches for breakfast and 3a.m. snacks and won’t gain a pound. But he will pull a hamstring and miss 10 games. What a mess.
The Colts should draft RG3 just to mess with the Skins and get the last few draft picks the Skins have this decade.
Teams under the salary cap. Check the top 10 and their records. I know they say spending money doesn’t guarantee success and spending unwisely can clearly lead to a messed up team. But not spending at all means you end up with a Yugo that doesn’t perform well instead of a Honda. Look at the ten teams with the most money under the salary cap:
Jaguars picked up Chad Henne to push Blaine Gabbert. Now two things:
1. If you draft a QB in the first 15 picks AND you need someone to push him, you made a bad pick and he sucks
2. If you need Chad Henne to push your franchise QB then you made a bad pick and he sucks AND you suck too for drafting him.
Mark Sanchez says his contract shows he is a leader? Lol. The Jets got more leverage in his contract to cut him AND reduce their salary cap exposure when they do and he is bragging how the contract proves his leadership? That bum is delusional. He has talked himself into so much good fortune he actually believes the bull that comes out of his mouth. And the worst part is the Jets humor him by saying they “passed on Peyton Manning.” That is laughable. Yeah, and Gabrielle Union offered me some rear last week and I said, NAH, that’s aight, my hand is better. Get out of here. The Jets passed on Manning? The Jets organization has no class from top to bottom.
Danny Amendola. Pats thinking of giving up second round pick maybe to get him. From the Rams of course cuz the Pats and their “remarkable braintrust” couldn’t possibly find an average player themselves in the fourth round or lower. They have to wait for some other team to draft someone in the sixth round or pick him up via free agency and mold him into an average player so the Pats can see that player fits the Patriot Way so the Pats can give them a decent draft pick for that player. Makes sense, right? What happened that the Pats need Danny Amendiola … Ran out of 5 foot tall white receivers. Now they couldn’t find a 5 foot tall white receiver in the sixth round with one of his 30 draft picks. Hilarious. The genius at work. Looking for castoffs from other teams to waste draft picks on? Seriously … he can’t find one of these guys without wasting second round picks on them?
If you sign with the Jacksonville Jaguars, Laurent Robinson, just tell the truth. You don’t give a crap about winning, or competing. You just want whoever pays you the most money. Really, if you go to the Jaguars what could you possibly say to your friends to justify signing with them. Think about it. Ted, look at Pete and Colin and Geisel and say “I signed with the Jags cuz I know we have a real chance of winning.” Then sit back and wait for them to throttle you, or frisk you for a crack pipe. If you sign with them just look at your friends and say “I’m RICH.” And don’t say anything else.
Dwight Howard says he wants to stay in Orlando til the end of the season. He will ruin them. He said today he would sign an extension. When they sent him the papers he said his agent wouldn’t let him? You know what? The Magic need to trade him NOW. They are about to get ruined. He is playing with them and like Lebron he is one of the new breed of athlete. Destined to be a follower and not a leader. Too concerned with what people think of him. Unable to make decisions. He is going to waffle and waffle and then walk away and the Magic will get Nothing. If the Magic have any sense they will remember Shaq ruining them and trade him tomorrow. They have to.
How in the world are Brock Ostweiler, Brandon Weedin and Scott Taneyhill now high first round draft picks? Because the top two QBs are gone, everyone is willing to reach and pick those bums early? Stupid. That’s why the Vikings are looking at Ponder now and wondering what the heck they were thinking.
Before the season all the experts sat on TV saying “the Dolphins are a leader. It makes perfect sense” and they all said it like they knew. Like … experts. I can still see John Clayton with that smug look on his face like it pains him to talk to us unenlightened peons. Now that Manning is showing so little interest in the Dolphins, every one of those experts is on TV, just as smugly, saying how the Dolphins don’t fit into Manning’s plans. As you read this and wonder why I think I know everything I will say this: every one of those experts whose bull you take as gospel know as much as I do. They are guessing. NOT ONE of them was talking about Denver. It was Miami and Arizona. And as soon as he visited Denver every one of those guys was talking about Denver being the favorite. Now they still have Denver listed as the favorite. Then Tennessee jumped in and everyone is listing Tennesse e as number 2. They don’t know anything.
John Clayton. I hate that guy. He sits there with that pencil neck and his bulbous head, a messed up tilt to his posture and that smug look on his face. They call him the professor and he sucks up that stuff like he deserves it. The funniest thing I heard about him was when Sean Salisbury called him the CRYPTKEEPER. I laughed for a month.
You know which teams are quiet right now: The Steelers. Cuz they don’t need the free agent frenzy. Why? Cuz they know how to draft. All these teams throwing around money don’t know how to draft. Hire a good GM dummies.
If I hear one more time that Peyton Manning won’t play in the NFC East cuz he doesn’t want to play his brother twice a year I am going to slap someone. Wouldn’t you think it be cool to play your brother twice a year? Punks.
Funniest thing I heard this week: “If the Titans sign Manning, what do they do with Hasselbeck and Locker? That makes no sense.” I laughed my butt off. The same person later in the week was saying how the Titans are a serious contender now. What a dummy. Who would care about Hasselbeck or Jake Locker? Really. I need a TV show.
What happened to Linsanity? That shit was on every sports channel including the NFL network. Now the Knicks are losing games like the Charlotte Bobcats with Jeremy Lin. Know what happened? No not Carmelo, game film happened. Same thing that happened to Chloe the porn star … too much camera time and too much game film … stuff got old. Not to me, but you know. They figured him out. But they will blame Carmelo. I blame the GM. I told you Carmelo and Amare are second tier superstars and not a BIG THREE … HECK THEY AIN’T EVEN A BIG TWO. So the expectations were crazy. But where are all the people saying the Knicks were playoff and deep playoff contenders? Where are they? WHERE?
I picked my NCAA champion. Two winners; North Carolina and Missouri. Kentucky will flame out cuz they will never have experience. Too many one and done players. But tomorrow morning I would love to be off to watch the festivities. The opening round of the tournament. Gentlemen, THE BALL IS TIPPED, AND THERE YOU ARE. That’s It. I can’t take tomorrow and Friday off but I am definitely leaving early tomorrow. Got to do it.
I found Keegan Bradley … little pieces of him all over the back nine last week. With a real chance to win last week he started putting up a bunch of SQUARES ON HIS SCORECARD. HIS SCORE CARD ON THE BACK NINE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICKNAMED SPONGEBOB SQUARECARD. He had his 15 minutes and frankly me and Paul talking about him extended him to 18 minutes of fame, but time is messing up. Enough about Keegan Bradley already. I am moving on.
Continuing with golf. Everyone talks about parity in golf. I see mediocrity. All the talk about Rory even though he has won one tournament in six months. Tiger dominated and people said he had no competition. Rory has less competition and everyone bragging about him finishing 2nd and 3rd and 4th. Shut up. When Tiger finished like that it was always about some no-name beating him. Rory can finish 2nd and be glorified. Hypocrisy. Sergio Garcia had a 12 on a hole. I bet I can get a 12 on that hole. But no one said anything. Tiger got a 5 on the hole and the world came to a stop.