Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Pisces: In honor of the latest St. Paddy’s day, Clouds will share good luck aspects for every sign. Therefore, your lucky day is Friday. Your lucky number is 6. Your lucky Irish blessing is, “May your pockets always be heavy and your heart always be light. May good luck pursue you each morning and catch you each night.” And your lucky statistic is, “Five out of every four people have trouble with fractions.”

Aries: Since your lucky metal is iron, which is often used to make steel, and your lucky color is red, so long as you only turn that color from blushing or exertion and not from anger, it’s only fitting that your lucky words of wisdom should come from a person with an iron will, the immortal Chuck Norris: “Men are like steel: when they lose their temper, they lose their worth.”

Taurus: Your lucky stone is emerald, which helps improve memory and protect against injustice. Your lucky question is: “If winners never quit and quitters never win, then why do they tell you to quit while you’re ahead?” And your lucky motto comes from the good Dr. Seuss: “Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re really quite lucky.”

Gemini: Your lucky number is 9. Your lucky cities are San Francisco and London. Your lucky flower is lavender, as is your lucky scented Febreze. Your lucky question is: “If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?” And your lucky motto is: “When climbing the ladder of success, try not to let everybody look up your skirt!”

Cancer: Your lucky metal is silver, which is said to help increase energy. Your lucky countries are Holland and New Zealand, which would make you a great fly fishing guide since one country is known for rivers and the other for its wacky tabacky. Therefore, your lucky motto is: “Always yield to temptation. You never know when it’ll pass your way again.”

Leo: Your lucky day is Sunday. Your lucky color is orange, as in “Orange you glad to see me?” Your lucky traits are determination, honesty and an undeniable attractiveness. Your lucky motto is: “Never judge a book by its movie.” And your lucky quote comes from Sophocles: “God’s dice always have a lucky roll.”

Virgo: Your lucky day is Wednesday, also known as “Hump Day,” so you might as well stop reading because it’s tough to get better news than that! Your lucky animals are small domestic pets, such as cats, dogs and ferrets. And just to clear things up, good luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Bad luck is when you’re out of Preparation H and you have a rather pressing need to use it.

Libra: Your lucky color is blue. Your lucky nuts are almonds. Your lucky numbers are 6 and 9 — and Clouds is sensing a pattern here. Therefore, your good luck advice will come from the late, great Lucille Ball: “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.” and “The trick to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and to lie about your age.”

Scorpio: Your lucky numbers are 2 and 4. Your lucky saying is, “Two, four, six, eight, who do you appreciate?” Your lucky beer is Newcastle. Your lucky word is breath. Your lucky emotion is love. Your lucky action is forgiveness. Your lucky philosophy is, “Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.” And your get lucky line: “You’ve been a very bad boy/girl. I’m sending you straight to my room!”

Sagittarius: Your lucky countries are Spain and Australia. Your lucky stone is turquoise, which is said to protect the wearer and help that person see into the future. Finally, pick your good luck bumper sticker from the following list: A) “If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t try skydiving.” B) “Broken Horn … Finger Works.” Q) “I’m not cheap, I’m just on special.”

Capricorn: Your lucky metal is lead. Your lucky cities are Brussels, Montreal and Boston. Therefore, select your new good luck saying from the following Beantown-isms: 1) “Dunkin Donuts is the necta of the Gods.” 1918) “Yankees Suck!” 1993) WWND (What Would Normie Do)? 2004) “Life’s a wicked pissa adventcha and nothin’ less!”

Aquarius: Your lucky color is Green. Your lucky day is Friday. Your lucky emotion is thankfulness. And your lucky saying comes from fellow Aquarian, “Honest” Abe Lincoln: “I’m a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.” And your get lucky line is: “I might not be a library book, but trust me, you want to check me out.”