Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: Your birthday gifts-to-yourself mantras are: 1) “Don’t be insecure, be humble.” B) “And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, try to love yourself … STDs are on the rise nationally.” Cubed) Courtesy of a saucy, sausage serving local breakfast waitress, “I don’t settle for less, I settle for more.”

Libra: The Stars recommend that you tap into your sixth sense right now. To make sure you understand this clearly, your sixth sense is your intuition, not to be confused with your seventh sense, horniness, or your eighth sense, BS detecting.

Scorpio: One of the greatest traits Scorpios possess is a natural ability to get back up after you’ve been knocked down. And usually, you get up tougher, stronger and a lot more pissed off. Your new assignment: remember that what doesn’t break us just makes us stronger, and usually leaves some sexy scars.

Sagittarius: To help the new school year start off right, adapt the following Ron Burgundy responses to some of life’s challenges. When you don’t feel like talking: “What? Were you saying something? Look, I don’t speak Spanish.” When dealing with frustration: “You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not mad. That’s amazing.” When trying to get lucky: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Capricorn: Just in case some of you have forgotten — which is highly likely since life just got done putting you through the spin cycle — Clouds reminds you that nothing is impossible. Therefore, your magical questions for life are: 1) What’s your ideal day? 5) What qualities do you most respect in others, beside nudity? 10) Why don’t you always choose happiness when it’s the most logical choice?

Aquarius: The Stars advise that the next month will be a good time for Aquarians to bump into their soul mates, or perhaps just re-spark bumping uglies. Either way, there’ll be lots of souls and bumping. Your line for the week: “If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right, unless we’re arguing.”

Pisces: It looks as though you’re entering a time when your powers of connection will be on Super Drive. Of course, Super Drive is just above Comfortably Cruising and just below Ludicrous. Therefore, abide by all road rules and don’t waste any karmic energy by giving fellow drivers a One-Fingered Salute.

Aries: Since Aries’ special color is red and since Aries often have red faces from running around after life like a ram on Red Bull, Clouds thought it only fitting that your new motto should come from fellow Aries, David Letterman: “There is no off position on the genius switch.”

Taurus: Your role model for the week is a former Indian chief, not to be confused with Robert “The Chief” Parish, who always wore a red shirt to battle. He did this so that if he ever got hit then the enemy wouldn’t know he was bleeding. The Indian chief, however, understood that it takes more than bravery to be a great leader. Upon hearing of an immanent attack by a tribe twice his size, the Chief called out: “Get me my brown pants!” Sometimes you gotta fake it ‘til you make it.

Gemini: Since most schools are now back in session, here are some educational quotes. From Oscar Wilde: “I’m not young enough to know everything.” And from Clouds: “If you can’t learn well, you should at least enjoy being ingnorant.”

Cancer: To be honest, which always beats lying, we all have a few flaws. They’re easy to spot because they’re usually things we don’t like about other people. Clouds suggests working on your flaws by embracing people that drive you nuts. This doesn’t mean you have to embrace them for long, or that you must be wearing pants when doing so.

Leo: As the world continues to evolve, people are realizing that mindset is the most important power in life. After all, when you honestly assess life, it’s really just a matter of — and occasionally an all out war between — mind over matter. As an example, Clouds offers up the following truisms. From Mark Twain: “If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” From Clouds “I’d love to wrap my mind, and some other parts, around your matter.”