Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Libra: Money matters will be the focus of the next year of your life. Therefore, please give yourself some positive financial juju for your birthday like adopting one of these: For your attitude towards work, Henry Ford: “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.” For your spending habits, Thomas Jefferson, “Never spend your money before you have earned it.” For handling success, Robin Williams, “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”

Scorpio: Since the number one things Clouds wants Scorpios to work on right now is faith, please take a few moments everyday to be faithful. Grooving out to mindful tunes from John Mayer might help: “Belief is a beautiful armor that makes for the heaviest swords … We’re never gonna win the world. We’re never gonna stop the war. We’re never gonna beat this if belief is what we’re fighting for.”

Sagittarius: So long as you’re willing to listen, there’s some helpful and healing, albeit a bit uncomfortable, truth out there for you. Therefore, your words to ponder will come from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s: “Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern for your well being, Tom Brady would kick your ass.”

Capricorn: We’re all given creative gifts of some sort or another. And the easiest way to tap into it is through our psyche’s most basic creative urge: sex. That’s because ultimately, we like sex because that’s where creativity and connectivity hang out. Therefore, your new chorus comes from recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, NWA: “Express yourself.”

Aquarius: It’s a fairly well known piece of almost useless information that Elvis Presley died while sitting on the can. To help you avoid such a rear end-focused ending, try focusing on places that make you feel most alive. Then go there. As the King once said, “Ambition is a dream with a V-8 engine.”

Pisces: Your assignment for the week is to choose two of the following three musical lyrics to add to your life’s soundtrack. A.) “Everything gives you cancer. There’s no cure, there’s no answer.” REM #2.) “Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt.” Sir Mix-A-Lot #!.) “Let it be.” The Beatles

Aries: Family and career will be taking center stage in your life right now. To help make sure things go smoothly give the Gong Show treatment to anything that tries to steal the spotlight from your family or ultimate career goals. In case you forgot, the Gong Show treatment requires a large gong and someone—preferably a semi-celebrity—to knock the snot out of it.

Taurus: The Stars report that good karma is heading toward your career. To help make the most of this, please adopt a confident and positive attitude. Donning a new good luck t-shirt in your lucky colors of sea green and silver should help, especially if it states something like: “I Poop Excellence!”

Gemini: This month will offer you plenty of chances for short getaways. Be sure to take advantage of any such opportunities. For as we all know, opportunity doesn’t always knock twice, sometimes it rings the bell or just sits in the car and honks the horn. Apparently, opportunity has the patience of a two-year old.

Cancer: Your Horrorscope is being highlighted by relationships. So it looks like this is the perfect time for you to make strides in your professional, familial and, best of all (because it has the kinkiest potential), your romantic relationships. To help with the latter here’s a classic to try, “You must be Jamaican, because you’re Jamaican me horny.”

Leo: Laughter is good for the soul, mind and cheek muscles. Laughter is also the closest any of us ever get to rekindling the pure joy for life we knew as kids, which is your new assignment. These quotes should help: From Shel Silverstein, “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me … Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” And from Tom Cruise, “I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.”

Virgo: Right now, you’re in the midst of a romantic rekindling the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Romeo met Juliet or Mitt Romney met a microphone. To help make the most of it, try writing a poem to your loved one. It can consist of the reasons you love that person—even if you’re still searching—or be about the ways (some of which may be illegal in Tennessee) you want to love ‘em.