Pictured: From left: Sheet sportswriter Harold Hartley, Gregg Scott, the legendary Mike McKenna, Loren Brown and Jeff Scott attended the Patriots-Seahawks game in Seattle on Oct. 14. This photo was clearly taken before the Patriots’ 4th quarter collapse./
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: Since this next year of your life looks exceptionally promising, how about starting it off by making a promise to yourself that you’ll be more hopeful, thankful and patient this year. To help, your Halloween costume should be inspired by someone who epitomizes these traits, like the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa or the late fellow Scorpio, Johnny Carson, who once advised: “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
Sagittarius: The Stars would like to remind you that all work and no play makes Sags, and most signs, resemble nap-deprived toddlers. Therefore, regardless of your gender, your Halloween costume should either be something that gets you in touch with your inner child (a teddy bear, a Super Hero or a onesy) or helps you relieve stress (a jogging suit, a Snugee—aka an adult onesy, or a teddie).
Capricorn: Since statistics show that 70% of prison inmates didn’t graduate from high school, please dress up as either an inmate or a teacher for Halloween. And please remember to bear in mind that its never to late to become better educated or to thank someone special by giving them an apple, or at least an appletini.
Aquarius: With the full moon falling on your fourth house, expect your home and family life to take center stage. And things should go remarkably well so long as you remember that you can’t spell “dysfunctional” without the “fun.” Therefore, your Halloween costume: a character from the TV show “Family Guy, ” like Peter: “Um, if by ‘read’ you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.”
Pisces: In the midst of this busy social time, the Stars wanted to remind you that slow and steady wins the race and doped up and in denial gets you the “Lance Armstrong Treatment.” Therefore, your Halloween costume should be a participant in the “All-Drug Olympics” (see: Saturday Night Live). Clouds, of course, never recommends abusing drugs of any kind, while at the same time admitting that everyone’s addicted to something.
Aries: To help you remember that life is a voyage and we’re all our own captains, please adopt a positive attitude and a nautical theme for Halloween. After all, a couple of amateurs built Noah’s Ark and that worked out pretty well. It worked out a lot better than the Titanic, which was built and skippered by “experts.”
Taurus: To help keep your life as smooth and simple as possible while the chaos of autumn takes over, please do the following: 1) Dress up like a member of KISS for Halloween. 2) Adopt the well-known KISS method: Keep It Simple, Stupid! Q) Adopt Clouds’ KISS method: Keep It Scantily-clad, Sexy-thang!
Gemini: One of Gemini’s lucky cities is San Francisco—a city that’s known for luck in love and baseball. Therefore, please dress up like a Bay Area resident for Halloween (a hippie, an insurance salesman, a college student, a techie or an advocate for same-sex marriage). If you need motivation, try pretending you’re originally from “Oaksterdam.”
Cancer: The upcoming full moon should bring with it a flash from your past. Your key will be to remember that everything has its season. To help keep you cool and relaxed, Clouds recommends that you wear something that not only makes you feel comfortable for Halloween, but also something that offers easy access.
Leo: Since confidence, faith and poise are the only ingredients you’ll need to mix into your life right now to cook up some sweet batches of success, here are your Halloween costume suggestions: Your favorite President or First Lady (And no, Monica Lewinsky doesn’t count!). To help get you in the mood, here’s President Kennedy’s favorite line: “Some men see things as they are and say, why? I dream things that never were and ask, why not?”
Virgo: In honor of the World Series, your good luck Halloween costume should involve America’s Pastime. Therefore, you could dress up as Fernando Valenzuela or the Kung Fu Panda, Pablo Sandoval. You could also be the Philly Phanatic, the Green Monster, an umpire or a hot dog vendor. Just make sure to remember the rules of karma and to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” to someone before you ask them share a beer and a foot-long.
Libra: In case you’re looking for a good Halloween costume, you need look no further than your own sign. You could be any number of well-known Libras such as Kim Kardashian or Barbara Walters, President Eisenhower or Eminem. Adopting a Bernie Mackattitude will help: “Okay, first rule … no breaking wind in my car! The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.”