Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: This next year of your life promises to be very full and fulfilling for your career and work life. And while it’ll be easy to get consumed by all your success and progress don’t forget to keep your eyes on the prize, which should be your home and family life. After all, kicking butt and taking names isn’t nearly as fun if you don’t have anybody to share it with.
Pisces: Since Pisces are usually more attuned than everyone else, there’s not much Clouds can tell you right now, except, stay tuned. But these universal truths should help: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies create trust issues in children. The care you give is the care you get. It’s a lot harder to dance to The Village People’s “YMCA” in Chinese.
Aries: Several years ago, some Romanian snowboarders protested against global warming by picketing their country’s national weather institute. Their complaints were “passed on to a higher authority.” With the Stars bouncing around like the crowd at the X Games, don’t be surprised if any higher authorities you deal with start acting higher than a bunch of American snowboarders.
Taurus: Fellow Taurus, Ray Lewis, is a classic American and astrological bull. He’s gone from being a troubled punk to being an inspirational leader. In honor of Ray’s football retirement, here are some of his best lines: 1)“The hardest thing to do is work hard when no one is watching.” 2) “I didn’t like where I once was, so I promised myself I wouldn’t be back there.” 52) “Whatever you want to do in life, go do it!”
Gemini: Just like everyone who walks on God’s gorgeous green—sometimes snow white—earth, Clouds has lots of vices. To help assess yours, please count how many of these you share: coffee, going pant-less, donuts on Saturday mornings, The Sheet, flannel sheets, There’s Something About Mary, Mary Jane, Mary’s son, Hail Marys, Mary J. Blige and Mary’s Little Lamb (inflatable version). If you selected less than nine, consider yourself to be doing “Simply Mary-velous!”
Cancer: The recent “wolf” full moon that bid January farewell brought an air of excitement, unpredictability and mischief to your life. This means you’ll not only be a hit with folks from ages five to 105, it also means you’ll probably also have an inkling every now and again to howl. Therefore, please embrace you inner wildlife but be on the lookout for hunters.
Leo: To help you folks relax, trust and enjoy your life more, please remember these McNuggets: From Robert Frost, “It is the future that creates the present.” From Stan “The Man” Musial, “You wait for a strike and then you knock the sh@! out of it.” From Clouds, “Love your enemies—it really confuses the hell out them.”
Virgo: Your new role model is fellow Virgo Lance Armstrong. You see, poor Lance got so obsessed (as Virgos tend to get) and became so stubborn (as Virgos also tend to get) that he lost touch with what is really important in life, which isn’t injecting yourself in the butt with things. So please heed the words from a man who has inspired millions, while still occasionally behaving like a cornhole: “Hope. That is the only antidote to fear.”
Libra: Libras tend to make great healers and team captains. But that doesn’t mean that they like to be like Charles, and always be in charge. To help, please remember that it’s okay to occasionally want to—so long as you don’t—say something like “Dear Math, please solve your own damn problems.”
Scorpio: To help feel happier and more balanced, please add both more silence and more positive music into your life. Stuff like Mozart, Pato Banton or Crosby, Stills and Nash, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with” (Which is, for the record, yourself!)
Sagittarius: According to the Christian Science Monitor, marijuana was used by the US government in WWII as a truth serum. Canada has the most lifetime pot users per capita. Less than 10% of teenagers in America say they smoke marijuana. And Denver has more pot dispensaries than Starbucks and McDonalds combined. What does this all mean? It means you should either learn to relax more or you should move to the “Mile High City.”
Capricorn: Since it’s been an odd start to a year that promises to be oddly wonderful, please choose your latest saying from the following selection: A) Manti T’eo: “Life is a storm.” B) Alexander Dumas: “What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.” C) Clouds: “Columnists are known for their columns.” PED) Lance Armstrong, “Whatever your 100% looks like, give it.”
