Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: We recently entered the Chinese Zodiac’s Year of the Snake. That means it should be a fairly interesting and enjoyable year. Snake years can be lucky financial years, but tend to be very malleable and often usher in unexpected changes. To help, try being as prepared as W. C. Fields: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite … and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”
Pisces: A recent study estimated that any given moment almost 1% of the world’s population is drunk. Apparently, Ireland, Germany and Mammoth Lakes weren’t included. This just goes to show that statistics can prove anything, especially for people bad with math. To help with your math skills, try listing all the positive things in your life and then turning them into a pie chart.
Aries: This week, Clouds would like you to add the following sets of Grammy nominated lyrics to your life’s soundtrack, and then sing them whenever you’re naked (i.e. in the shower, while making whoopee or when you’re on Facebook). A) “I belong with you. You belong with me. You’re my sweetheart. Hey Ho!” b) “Same? No we’re not the same, but that’s what makes us strong.” C) “Tonight we are young. So let’s set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun.”
Taurus: Sometimes life seems as effortless as trying to carve turns down a freshly groomed ski run. Sometimes life feels as though you’re trying to carve turns down a ski run with moguls the size of minivans. Sometimes life is like trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a spork. The key is to enjoy it all and to realize that consistency is overrated and can lead to serious cases of boredom.
Gemini: Here’s your latest installment of Clouds’ Rules for Life. #9: Make love with your eyes open. #33: Make dinner with your eyes open, especially when cutting or frying. #77: Love can cure anything. #123: Hatred cures nothing, but does cause things like back problems, impotence, wrinkles, bloating and a desire to vote Republican.
Cancer: With great questions of all kinds about life being answered this year, your food for thought will come from TV personalities. From Woody Paige: “The city of Happiness is in the state of Mind.” From Kathy Griffin: “Have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise, no decorum. Just fun.” And from Otto the bus driver from The Simpsons: “They call ‘em fingers. But I’ve never seen ‘em ‘fing.’”
Leo: The Stars report that you’re in the midst of a period when you’d be well advised to start sowing seeds, working the soil and putting some sweat into your work life. Therefore, try to remember that the road to overnight success is usually a long one, but the road to mediocrity is short and has drive-thru liquor stores.
Virgo: The Year of the Snake should usher in an attitude adjustment in your life. Lucky for you, this should be slightly emotional, especially when involving family, but will be beneficial and ultimately should go as smoothly as an adjustment made by a professional chiropractor. Just make sure to adjust your funny bone as well.
Libra: Since the Year of the Snake promises to be a solid one, here are your Libra power statements for the year: from Morrissey: “Life’s full of tricky snakes and ladders.” And from Ross Perot: “If you see a snake just kill it. You don’t need to appoint a committee on snakes.”
Scorpio: If there’s one thing you Scorpios need to work on during the Year of the Snake, it’s to keep a positive attitude and to always keep your eyes on the real prize and stop settling and selling out for crappy consolation prizes. As the old saying goes, “When we focus on the snake, we miss the scorpion.”
Sagittarius: The great part about life is that, even though it likes to occasionally kick us in our patooties, it also loves to reward us for getting back up and going back after it. Sags should keep this in mind, as the next few months will give you clues about what lies hidden in your life.
Capricorn: In Japan, they believe that people have personality traits based on their blood type. For example, blood type As are said to be sensitive, overanxious perfectionists. Type Bs are cheerful, eccentric and selfish. Types Os are curious, generous and stubborn and ABs are artsy, mysterious and unpredictable. If this theory sounds off base to you, perhaps you need to drink more sake.
