Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: Since the next year of life for Geminis will include lots of hard work towards some of your biggest goals in life, it’s only natural that you’ll occasionally wonder: “Is this really worth it?” The answer is “Yes!” So long, that is, that you keep a good attitude, take occasional breaks to recharge and realize that nothing worth doing is ever easy—including riding the town bike.
Cancer: Cancerians can be super cool and extremely compassionate, but can also be super judgmental and about as cool as the other side of the pillow towards others. Therefore, please try to remember that when you limit one thing, you make more room for something else to get larger. And when you’re limiting your natural ability to truly care and connect with others it tends to upset the Stars, Karma and Clouds’ delicate and highly erotic sensibilities.
Leo: Miller Light has an ad campaign proclaiming that they’re unique because they “triple hop” their beer. It just so happens that almost every beer gets triple hopped. This should go to show you that what really makes us unique isn’t what we do, but how we feel about ourselves. So please remember, if you’ve got the time, someone’s got the beer.
Virgo: Fear really is the only thing we have to fear. But that doesn’t make it any easier to face. What makes it easier to face is the fact that life never asks us to do anything we can’t do, although it does like to ask us to do lots of things we can barely do like be grateful and always use our turn signals.
Libra: The good news is that right now anything is possible in your life. The bad news is that you’re going to have to take some chances to help them happen. To help, please make this line from writer Chuck Palahniuk your new mantra: “The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
Scorpio: This much we know is true: You can’t find happiness if you’re not really looking for it. What you deal with sets you free, what you don’t keeps stinging like a bee. If you don’t believe in yourself, all you’ll have to believe in is aliens. Always give it everything you have, unless you’re donating blood.
Sagittarius: The Stars are reporting that relationships are taking center stage in your life. So it looks like it’s time to either step it up or move on. Therefore, please adopt something like these lines: “You’ve either got to fish or cut bait.” And from Kelly Clarkson, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Stand a little taller. Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.”
Capricorn: To remind you that success is a state of mind and that it’s okay to be nervous, your words of wisdom will come from basketball Hall of Famer, Bill Russell who was known for throwing up before big games. A) “Concentration and mental toughness are the margins of victory.” 6) “You have to be careful that your groove doesn’t become a rut.”
Aquarius: Nobody ever said life was supposed to be easy. Well maybe they should have. After all, life is all about attitude. If you think it sucks, it will. It you think it rocks, it will. If you think it does both, you’re Clouds’ kind of person. So keep up the good work and reward yourself with some self-tickling.
Pisces: Tools are what we use to help us get through life. We refer to people who are foolish or are fake as being “Tools.” Pisces are born with all kinds of tools to help them get through life, like good looks and compassion. To help things heated-up, practice more compassion and repeat this line: “If you let me play with your tools, I’ll let you play with mine.”
Aries: A national study revealed that only 17% of people with tattoos regret them. This shows two things: First, Americans hate to have regrets of any kind, which explains the prevalence of tattoos, STDs and fourth marriages. It also shows that most people with body art are little bit more self-accepting than we want to give them credit for, except for when they get ink that says, “Suck it, Trebek!”
Taurus: Opportunities to meet new people, both professionally and romantically, will be kicked up a notch. Therefore, it would be a good time to mix up how you greet and meet people. To help, here’s a list of options: Shake Hands. Hug. Fondle. Say, “Howdy!” Say, “How’s it hanging?” Say, “What do you say we make like a tree and leave our clothes scattered on the ground around us?”
