Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Libra: Libra is the seventh sign of the Zodiac. It is ruled by Venus and best accompanied by Aries. The people of this sign have good taste but can be tasteless. They are good in partnerships despite being very competitive, and tend to contradict themselves. Therefore, please give yourself a new word, “Balance” and a new slogan for your birthday. This one should work: “The more you give the more you get. Does this go double for loving? You bet your hot fanny it does!”

Scorpio: For the rest of the month you should be feeling very creative, romantic and sexy. To make the most out of this, maybe it’s time you picked up a new motto. Here are a couple to choose from: I)“Not all who wander are lost.” II) “Sure my body is a temple, but it’s fun to sometimes treat it like a tent or a hotel room in Vegas.”

Sagittarius: What if you found out the only real tool humans have in life is the heart, and that it just so happens to be the most powerful tool in the universe? Would you change anything about yourself? The big myth about change is that it has to be hard. The truth is, real change can be as easy as pi.

Capricorn: Since it’s National Breast Cancer Awareness month, all Caps should make donations of some kind to the cause: money, time, a nice card, a gratuitous display of affection, etc. Female Capricorns should also be sure they examine themselves, while males should adopt this motto: “Breast Cancer Awareness, we stare because we care!”

Aquarius: Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac. It is ruled by Uranus (please insert your own joke here) and is best complimented by Leo. Leo is Clouds favorite sign for compliments. Aquarians are known for their intelligence, friendliness and disorganizations, so they may know who said this: “Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment.”

Pisces: Life for you now should be feeling energized and you should start to see things on a deeper level. Therefore, please remember not to go into the deep end without a floatation device and to order a drink with an umbrella in it from the poolside bar.

Aries: A number of years ago, a dead whale washed up on a beach in Oregon. The State’s Highway Department was assigned the task of removing the deceased whale and decided the best way to do so would be to use a half-ton of dynamite. It rained whale blubber in for a long time that day. Therefore, please try to be thankful for all you have and that it’s not raining whale blubber on you.

Taurus: Since it’s time for your action packed life to enjoy some serenity, your new mission is to live as if stress is your enemy. To help, be sure to laugh and smile more often and make this your new motto, “An attitude of gratitude.” And your new line, “That’s more useless than the “g” in “lasagna!”

Gemini: Just in case you could use a refresher course, here are some crib notes from Clouds Guide to Life and/or Lovemaking: Page 8) Two rights never make a left. Page 9) Sometimes, when you’re lucky, two wrongs can make a right. Page 69) Being right isn’t as important as being heard. Pages 1, 37, 54 & 111-113) Wearing sexy underpants makes you feel better. Page 199) Never measure life by how many breaths you take, but rather, by how many times something takes your breath away.

Cancer: Here are your handy tips for life for the week: 1) You can save lots of money on gas by pushing your car, walking or taking a bus places. 2) Anytime you need a pick me up, try hollering out, “Woo Hoo! I won!” when you take money out of an ATM 3) Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Leo: Roses are red. Violets are blue. There’s good news coming, it’s headed straight for you. And all you’ve got to do is simple, be true to you. That means letting your heart follow your mind, and always looking twice before you bare your behind.

Virgo: Your nuggets of wisdom for the week will be served with a side of butter, because butter is delicious and eating delicious things makes us happier. A) Bakers are great at kneeding buns. A+) Men who do their share of housework have sex more often than men who don’t. C) Just say ‘No’ to drugs. Just don’t expect them to listen. H) Happiness is our friggin’ inalienable right!