Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Scorpio: Scorpio is the eighth sign of the Zodiac. Taurus compliments it and its opposite sign is Aquarius. This next year will, regardless of your sign, offer wonderful opportunities to break any troubled patterns in our lives and replace them with others that pretty much kick ass and make us happier and more fulfilled. To help embrace this, here’s your birthday gift mantra: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. People love respect, worship and want me. And gosh darn it, I’m sick and tired of being my own worst enemy!” Halloween costume suggestion: An erotic angel.

Sagittarius: The Stars are reporting that things are really starting to work in your favor. To make the most out of this, try adding the following phrases to your vernacular or at least incorporating them in a Halloween costume: A) Sounds like you could use a trip to Schitzengiggles! B) Let’s get Homer-erotic! C) I just wanted you all to know that I’ll be kicking ass and taking names today! M) Believe and achieve, it’s that simple.

Capricorn: As many as 15 people are injured and two killed each year in vending machine accidents. The lesson: Just because life sometimes shorts you on a soda or a Snickers Bar, there’s no reason to get flattened for it. Suggestion: Dress up as a Doctor or Nurse for Halloween and practice saying, “Please turn your head and moan.”

Aquarius: Your Halloween outfit this year should show off your element of air. Air signs are idealistic and gifted communicators, so long as they’re using “air quotes” for emphasis and not to be a smart ass. So here’s hoping the biggest workout you usually get is not trying to prevent yourself from passing air in crowded places like the gym or an elevator.

Pisces: Since Pisces are devilish and like to flaunt their sexuality you could dress up as Elvira or Elvis—pre-Lard-ass years. Or since Pisces sometimes don’t have a clue what’s going on or how it happened, you could be Uncle Fester, who once said, “Dementia, what a beautiful name.”

Aries: To help remind you that only truly happy and evolved people enjoy the scenery on a detour, you should dress up as a Construction Worker for Halloween. If you want to make it the Construction Worker from the Village People, that’s fine, so long as you occasionally sing some YMCA (changing it to the feminine as needed): “Young man, there’s no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself up off the ground!”

Taurus: It looks like money matters for you are about to take a very positive turn. To help celebrate this, try dressing up for Halloween as Robert Redford or Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal,” except this time, you should be the one asking people how much they’d pay or trade out to sleep with you!

Gemini: The Stars are requesting that you become more balanced and responsible to those you love over the next year. Since this doesn’t always come naturally for Geminis, try dressing up for Halloween as a Snuggie or a Pillow Pet.

Cancer: Your assignment right now is to only spend time with people you actually enjoy spending time with. After all, time is really all any of us have anyway, that and an ego, a soul and a libido that throws hissy fits when it feels like it’s being ignored. Halloween suggestion: An exclamation point!

Leo: It appears that many Leos are searching for something they feel in their souls they’re missing. Luckily, it will be easy to find, so long as they’ve got good and thankful attitudes. Therefore, your suggested Halloween costume is Rod “The Bod” Stewart, who once sang, “Optimism is my best defense!”

Virgo: Some solid light should be shining upon your career path right now. It even looks like friends will be the ones holding the flashlights. So here’s hoping these friends are wearing headlamps so that their hands are free to help you back up, dust you off, or just to randomly fondle your funny feeling places. Halloween suggestion: A gold miner.

Libra: Studies have shown that Russian is considered the sexiest accent for a woman, followed closely by Spanish and Italian. Studies have, unfortunately, failed to show why people study this kind of stuff. The only thing you should be studying right now is how to make your unique accent—we all have one of kind voice and styles—heard by more people, unless you’re from Long Island or Tijuana. Halloween suggestion: A lost but frisky foreigner.