Horroscopes
Leo: It looks like this is going to be a very good year for most Leos. The best news is that you don’t have to do too much to make the most out of it. Simply do whatever, or whomever, you need to in order to stay positive. Spending time outdoors, taking naps and giving back to others are the best ways for Leos to remain positive. Listening to Led Zeppelin should also help. “Standing on the edge of the mountain of dreams, telling myself it’s not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.”
Virgo: As you say farewell to your latest trip around the sun be sure to spend some time thinking about your successes this year. No matter how small or large, it’s always good to take some time to celebrate such moments. They are what life is all about. To help, make this your new motto: “Tequila may not solve all your problems, but it’s worth a shot!”
Libra: It looks like most Libras could use a change in attitude. Therefore, your new assignment is to do something everyday for the next week that scares you a little. Not so scared that you tinkle yourself, only enough to make you think you might. To help, give your ego a helpful nickname like “Magic Johnson” or “Chief Stands with a Devilish Grin,” or “Mr/Mrs. B.A. Dass.”
Scorpio: As summer begins to wind down, your new doppelganger is Gordon Lightfoot. The crooning Canadian can still rock some serious “hockey hair” and is considered to be one of that nation’s greatest gifts to the arts—along with Wayne Gretzky and Mike Myers. That’s why you should embrace Lightfoot’s classic Scorpio line: “You just get the vibes of a place and it rubs off on you.”
Sagittarius: Studies have shown the people who have more sex tend to have more money. While some may argue that this is because sex isn’t cheap, others say it makes sense. When you feel good, you attract more good things. That’s why your new motto is: “I’ve got a good heart and a strong mind, as well as a sweet ass and a feisty mouth.”
Capricorn: This would be a good time for you to enjoy things that require balance, like stand up paddle boarding, slack lining or making love in a hammock. To help you with this, please enjoy a quote credited to Buddha, “One moment can change a day. One day can change a life. One life can change the world.”
Aquarius: The good and sometimes fickle people of this sign love to work on projects. That’s because you’re good at both creating and scheduling. This is also why you always have too many things to do on your To Do List. To help, trying putting this line on your list: “I am the greatest project I’m ever going to work on, so I might as well take my time, enjoy it and make it friggin` magical.”
Pisces: This would be a good time to be open to advice, especially if it comes from odd places. Since Clouds is as odd (and still functional) as they get, here is some advice from your personal ass-trologer. I) Never cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. IV) The best beauty aid in the world is kindness, followed closely by dimly lit nudity.
Aries: With your flare for the dramatic, your tendency to be a great teammate and your ability come through in the clutch, it should come as no surprise who Clouds is choosing for your next role model. Fellow Aries, Elton John, so please heed some of his advice. A) “Live for each second without hesitation.” B) “I’ll not complain about your boring life if you’ll leave me to mine.” F) “People should be very free with sex. They should draw the line at goats, though.”
Taurus: If one were to take all of humanity and divide it into three lines, which one would you fall under: Critics, Talkers or Doers? If you’re a typical Taurus, you’d be under the latter. Please keep this in mind as the heat of late summer brings more windbags into your life. It will help to remember you should never judge people by their words. No, you should judge them by their actions and their outfits.
Gemini: This much we know is true. 1) Geminis can be both night owls and morning people, depending on their caffeine intake. 2) Female dragonflies will sometimes fake their own deaths to avoid sex, which is why dragonflies are bad ideas for tattoos. 333) It’s best to be happy in front of people who don’t like you, since it really pisses them off.
Cancer: In case you’re looking to find, or renew, a love in your life, be sure to try things like: Offering a back rub that will last longer than seven minutes; Accepting that you are worthy of and deserving of big scoops of love; Or this line from Wedding Crashers, “I’m not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you know what? I dig that.”
