HORRORSCOPES
Libra: To help you make the most out of the next year of your life, all you have to do is stay positive—which isn’t always easy for Libras. Your attitude towards things will be especially impactful this year—that’s why you need to make sure it trends positively. So mend any bridges that need mending, burn those you need to move beyond, and start doing more yoga, especially the Bridge Pose. It relieves stress and helps make your butt look good—two things we all need.
Scorpio: Studies have shown that people who work and live in environments where it’s easy to actually see the environment are happier and healthier than those who don’t. It’s one of the big reasons why crime and depression rates are higher for people who live in cities or work in offices with no views of the outdoors. If this doesn’t remind you to spend more time outdoors, you may need to visit an optometrist as well, as you’re having trouble seeing what’s obvious, too.
Sagittarius: We have entered a period of change in the world. Old and uncomfortable ways are giving way to those that work more naturally and comfortably. It’s sort of like how granny panties and whitey tighties gave way to thongs and boxer briefs. Sagittarians don’t always like change, even though you handle it extremely well. To help, enjoy these words from author Madalyn Beck: “Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it.”
Capricorn: This much we know is true. The less you say the more your words will matter. Sometimes you have to take a lot of left turns in life before you make a right one, especially when driving in San Francisco. People who have a lot of junk in their trunk are usually good at flying by the seat of their pants. Clouds thinks you’re amaze-balls.
Aquarius: It isn’t always easy being an Aquarian, although it does beat being an aquarium since they often get neglected. If you find yourself feeling neglected and a little aquamarine, be sure to do something to help cheer yourself up. Spending time outdoors or naked cuddling usually helps, and so will adopting this line: “They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating sexy beast recently.”
Pisces: As a water sign, it’s important that you allow yourself to float through life as much as possible. You tend to sink if you get stuck in one spot for too long, especially a mental state. That’s why your new theme song comes from Modest Mouse: “Bad news comes, don’t worry even when it lands. Good news will work its way to all them plans … And we’ll all float on alright.”
Aries: Since Aries are at your best when you’re feeling self-confident and in your element, Clouds would like to pass along the following McNuggets of wisdom. A) From a Chinese proverb: “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.” B) From Clouds: “You don’t have to be fancy, just dancy.” A+) “We worry so much about looking pretty, but we should really focus on being pretty kind, pretty strong and pretty damn awesome!”
Taurus: What Clouds loves most about you Bulls of this Earth Sign is that you are a walking contradiction. You can be both trustworthy and jealous, warmhearted and inflexible, loving and possessive. Your key is not to beat yourself up about these—instead it’s to embrace them, and to do so with more than just a “Let’s Just Be Friends” kind of hug.
Gemini: While the East Coast is in the midst of another hurricane season, many other people around the planet are in the middle of storms of their own. To help you or to guide anyone who calls on you for help, be sure to have a raincoat handy, a place to go when you need some kind of shelter, and to quote this saying, “Fate whispers to the warrior, ‘You cannot withstand the storm.’ The warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm.’”
Cancer: Loyalty is a quality most Cancerians have in spades. Most of the time, this is a very important and admirable trait—but not all the time. Your new mission is not to keep trying to hold on to anything that doesn’t want to hold on to you. There are lots of others out there who would appreciate holding on to you. You can count them in spades.
Leo: Since this is the perfect time for Leos to chase after their dreams, Clouds thought it might be a good idea to remind you that you deserve success, fulfillment and to be well-shagged. To embrace all this, all you’ve really got to do is just pick the right side of this Albert Einstein line: “There are two ways to live your life—one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.”
Virgo: There tend to be two sides to most Virgos. One side loves to stay at home and be mellow. The other side likes to get out, let loose and get a little crazy every once and a while. Luckily, fall is the perfect time to do both. That’s why some say home is where the heart is, while others say home is where you can dance around in your underwear while eating your favorite snack and not be judged.
