Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: This year has been one full of challenges for most Virgos. But all signs go through stretches such as this, so there’s no need to fret. The keys are to figure out ways to keep your cool and not kick hope to the curb. The least you can do is recycle. After all, the love we give is ultimately the love we get. To help, make this your new mantra: “I’m the best ‘Hide and Seek’ player this side of Sasquatch!”
Libra: Your new mission is to not only be kind to strangers, but also to friends, family members, coworkers and pets. That’s because, as much as Libras love to keep the peace, they aren’t afraid to occasionally mix it up with those closest to them. Therefore, you new assignment is to give hugs and compliments, not comments such as, “I’d like to see things from your point of view, but my head just won’t fit up there.”
Scorpio: With the Moon moving through good phases this week, be sure to check out the star and maybe even cast a wish upon a shooting one. Just be sure to be clear about your wish. After all, you don’t want to wind up with “Whurled peas,” “Hat sucks” or being a “Witch Bast-ahd.” Although winding up with “Raisins to lope” or “Two rub” isn’t too bad.
Sagittarius: Your instincts are very strong right now and won’t let you down, unless your instincts are to let your pants down with anyone other than your main squeeze. Therefore, try to remember that, while sex lasts just a few moments, revenge, children and bad karma can be dragged out for a lifetime. Choose wisely, young Jedi.
Capricorn: Caps tend to be sedentary people. They usually prefer relaxation to hard work, and that’s fine so long as they don’t start to resemble or smell like the furniture. Therefore, your Autumnal mission is to make sure you spend some quality up (and get-your-butt-outside) time. It’ll do you good, while also giving you a sweet excuse to really enjoy your down time.
Aquarius: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for the week: A recent study declared that thin people chew more thoroughly and never eat anything “low fat.” Gravity will always be working against you. Aquarians tend to be at their best when they can sneak in an afternoon nap. One of the most underappreciated slang terms for male genitalia is “Sly and the Family Stones.”
Pisces: Despite being represented by the symbol of the fish, Pisces aren’t naturally great fisherman or sharks when it comes to the card game “Go Fish!” What it does mean is that the mischievous, adventurous and spiritually nurturing people of this sign tend to be fun loving folks, especially when it comes to doing just about anything that sounds even remotely fishy.
Aries: Right now, today, this instant, the Stars are pleading with you to reach for your dreams. Cause if not now, then when? If not today, then why make your promises? A love declared for days to come is as good as none. But that’s enough from fellow Aries, Tracy Chapman; instead listen to Fred. Get off your can and Yabba-Dabba-Do it!
Taurus: Here are your tips for the week: Most religion is based on guilt. Most love is based on trust. Most of life is about attitude; some of it’s about the weather. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it except put on a pair of chaps, a smile and hop on board for the ride. It helps to holler out, “Yeee-Haaaw!
Gemini: Since the path to true love seldom goes through “Liarville” or “Betrayalberg,” be sure to study your travel schedule before departing. But if you’re looking for a stopover in “Luckytown,” try one of these: A)“Cupid called. He said you should give my heart back.” 2) “Hugh Hefner called. He said you should give me my thong back.”
Cancer: The Stars report that this would be a good time to move on — or at least up — in any relationship that has long been making you feel unappreciated. To help you get in the right mindset, enjoy this back and forth from “The Jeffersons,” the people known for moving on up: Mother Jefferson: “I don’t have to stay here and get insulted.” Weezie: “That’s right … you can go anywhere and be insulted!”
Leo: If this week was a struggle don’t worry. All struggles for worthy causes are rewarded in one-way or another. Plus, the Stars say that your most recent struggles are sure to result in a happy ending, just like Clouds’ last massage.
