Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Scorpio: Since the Stars are set to start shining brightly upon your life, you’re probably going to need to wear your sunglasses at night. To celebrate your good fortune, give plenty of thanks, accept that you deserve it and consider dressing up for Halloween like an ‘80s rock star, say Corey Hart or one of the members of Heart.

Sagittarius: As a Fire Sign, Sagittarians are very instinctive people, especially in intellectual matters. Sags make good mechanics, engineers and surgeons, so long as you can keep them pinned down long enough to actually fix, design or operate on anything. Therefore, your Halloween costume should be someone such as late fitness great, Jack LaLanne: “I’m feeling great and I have sex almost everyday. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday …”

Capricorn: Apparently, the reason scary movies are so appealing is because getting the snot scared out us can be a very cathartic experience, especially when done in safe places such as a theater. Studies have also shown that the older we get the less we like scary movies. That’s because as we age, life itself already scares the poop out of us. Therefore, try to remember that it’s always about catharsis anyway. Costume ideas: Horror Movie extras.

Aquarius: With the “Great Recession” recovery plan apparently being determined by a game of Spin-the-Bottle, it’s easy to get a little down. But there’s little you can do about it, so you might as well try to focus on what you can do, like improving the quality of your love life by modeling your unmentionables for your “amore.” Halloween costume idea: Any member of the Kardashian family, including Kim’s latest husband, while he lasts.

Pisces: Here are your new nuggets of wisdom. Uno) Weebles wobble but don’t fall down because they have junk in their trunks. Dos) As a Water Sign, Pisces have a gift for feeling things, which includes other bodies. Tres) Two negatives never make a positive, but two-of-a-kind can sometimes win the hand. Costume idea: Any Gambling Hall employee, except for the bathroom attendant.

Aries: Your new role model is fellow Aries, Bruce Willis. After being divorced from his wife, who then married some Asht-hole, he continued to generally take the high road. This week Willis announced that he’d knocked up his new wife, who is quite younger and hotter than his former, as well as being much tougher than Demi’s soon-to-be ex. Choose your roads carefully, and choose a character from your favorite Bruce Willis flick for Halloween.

Taurus: Since this would be a good time to let the playful part of yourself out, incorporate something childlike into your Halloween, but if you decide to dress up as Jim Henson, be sure to save your “puppet show” for the bedroom.

Gemini: Now is a perfect time for you to sit back and assess your life, to see how you can apply all that you’ve learned recently to your life in a positive way. To help, try dressing up as a motivational speaker for Halloween. Anyone who chooses Clouds should remember that funky underwear is a must.

Cancer: This much we know: If you give the world kindness it returns it to you tenfold. If you give the world crap it returns the favor by dumping a front-end loader full of stinky poo right on top of you. The choice is yours. The smell is tough to wash off. Halloween idea: a member of the Village People.

Leo: The Stars are asking Leos to get back in touch with their inner child, but to make sure it’s the mellow but boundlessly energetic and hopeful kid, and not the one amped up on too much sugar. Time in nature and doing breathing exercises will help, as will making heart-racing Horizontal Hokey Pokey. Costume idea: Fan of a once popular dance fad.

Virgo: It’s said that if you take one step towards Allah, he will take two towards you. This principal applies to all the powers of the Universe except for Clouds — who will take three steps towards you while disrobing. All any of them ever ask is that you be thankful and occasionally agree to play a few hands of strip poker. Costume idea: an underappreciated deity.

Libra: Remember that what you don’t have you probably don’t need, and what you don’t need you probably already have. If this all sounds confusing, don’t worry because worrying is useless behavior. But true lovemaking never is. Therefore your assignment is to love yourself, just don’t do it in public unless you want to get arrested. Costume idea: Pee Wee Herman.