Year in Review: Personals

Pictured: In Mammoth, you can always get a date during Women’s Week … just bring her back by the time the store opens./ 

If you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, that means you’re probably reading The Sheet personals. Here’s a sampling of the year’s best. 

I saw you … wearing Black Velvet. Hmm. I thought you were supposed to drink it, not wear it.

I heard you … want to fix some things in the Year of the Dragon. Start with your breath.

In search of … a way to fill my wallet and corral a few Dead Presidents over President’s weekend. But then, the bills I’d like to collect most of all bear the likeness of a Secretary of State. Go figure.

I hope to see you … at the Act of Valor premiere. Maybe afterwards we can play Navy Seal together in the hot tub.

In search of … a strong city, but will settle for a weak-kneed city with a liberal open container policy.

I saw you … are concerned about retaining your talent. Apparently, the key to retaining is a lack of restraining when it comes to the old checkbook.

In search of … fiscal responsibility? If you’re looking around here, you must be lost.

In search of … the Mammoth Invitational. I looked all over for it last weekend but all I could find was the Mill and a sympathetic bartender.

In search of … the best summer ever. Suggestion: How about a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot at Lake Mary?

I saw you … are taking credit for Digital 395. Does that make your campaign slogan “Byte For Cash?”

I saw you … on Easter Sunday. It made me want to reopen the Cottontail Ranch right here in Mammoth.

I saw you … at the Pamper Pedal. What’s the point of biking in your underwear if you won’t slow down?

I saw your new … Porsche Cayenne. You must have to make at least four grand a week to afford it.

I saw you … left your debris in the street. How much of that was beard?

In search of … a golfing partner for the summer. If you’ll tend my pin, I promise not to miss the hole.

I hope to see you … at the Snowcreek tennis social on Saturday morning so we can celebrate Mardy Fishmas!

I hope to see you … at Mule Days. There’s nothing I like better than new shoes on a sweet ass.

I see you … like dragonfly sex. So why do you wear so much insect repellent?

In search of … someone to help me fill out my ballot for next Tuesday’s election. Preferably someone more attractive than the candidates.

I see you … don’t like church in school. Me, I don’t like math in school.

I saw you … are closing June Mountain. The obvious question: Should it be renamed December Mountain?

I saw you … are closing June Mountain. How long is it going to take to get those final people cleared off Chair 1?

I see you … are the new Mayor. Question: What percentage of Town business will now be conducted at the Side Door during happy hour?

In search of … a happy hour beer at Side Door? Regular price: $2 to $4. If you bring along a Town consultant for an hour: $1,002 to $1,004.

In search of … someone to do a snow dance. Preferably in a thong and on my face.

In search of … someone to watch the NFL playoffs with me this weekend. If you’ll make like Tebow and kneel before me, I’ll make sure you score.

I heard your … nickname is Eeyore. When’s the last time your wife pinned the tail on your ass?