Are men greener than women?

Wolf argues that women are more harmful to the environment

I’m like most of you in the sense that when I see a television show or an article about the environment, I skip right by it. Not because I hate the environment. On the contrary, I do so because I love the environment.

Let me explain.

It seems like no matter what I do,  it’s always deemed bad for Mother Earth. Every time I wax my skis or drive to Vons, it seems like those simple acts can be tied to a panda dying somewhere. So in a nutshell, I attempt to ignore information because it invariably prosecutes me for being an enemy of that (Earth) which I love.

However, occasionally we stumble, as I did upon a 2007 report from the Swedish Foreign Ministry. The study claimed that men are more damaging to the environment than women because of men’s appetite for red meat and gasoline. This shocking report was originally conducted for the United Nations Sustainability Commission, which surveyed Swedish men and women in an attempt to decide if gender should be considered a variable when writing legislation that impacts the environment.

“Spraaaaaaaap!” When I first heard of this report I took a big gulp of bottled water and spit it out in a spray of disbelief. I agree that gender has been long overlooked in terms of its effects on the environment. Certainly I’m a man, and I love red meat and gas. I also love the gas that follows eating red meat. But men are worse for the environment than women?! Whaa? Really?

Now I’m not a fancy scientist with a PhD, but I know for a fact that it doesn’t take a federally funded study to determine that men are lazy slobs. But the more I thought about it, I realized that being a man (specifically a lazy man) is actually good for the environment

Sure, we all know that red meat is bad for the environment because the process of getting a delicious slab of steak on your dinner plate unfortunately leaves a meaty carbon footprint. But if that’s the case, then why wouldn’t eating more cows be a good thing? It makes perfect sense. Cows are bad for the planet so killing cows is good for the planet.

Based on this sound logic, I will do my part and eat nothing but Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar burgers till all cows are extinct, and if women are going to eat a healthy diet of salads and Garden Burgers then they are clearly not doing their part.

The next part of the study focused on gasoline consumption.  It stated that men account for 60 percent of all drivers. At the surface, it would appear men are the easy culprit.  But with closer inspection, I found quite the contrary. For example, after a long and productive night at Whiskey Creek, the chivalrous Mammoth male is obligated to drive his newly awakened lady friend either home or out for breakfast. This accounts for quite of bit of time behind the wheel, particularly in the fortunate event of a threesome.

The Swedish study based its conclusion that men are bad for the environment on red meat and gas. However, there are so many more variables that prove men are, in fact, better for the environment than women. A few keys point left out derive from the average household bathroom.

Debate aside, women will always use more toilet paper then men. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that cats un-roll less wasted toilet paper then the average woman. Which is fascinating when you consider that men arguably sit down on the toilet longer than women on a daily basis (probably because of all that red meat).

If you stand up and move toward the sink, a study by Treehugger.com pointed out that 60 percent of men don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom and 40 percent don‘t flush after going number 1. Gosh, that is so eco-friendly. You might be thinking that not washing your hands is gross and perhaps you think letting the yellow mellow is disgusting, nonetheless you still have to admit that’s a lot of water saved.

Yet another way men are saving the planet in the bathroom? Not shaving. Shaving is a an unnecessary luxury that’s bad for the planet for the obvious reason that it’s inherently wasteful. So when you’re using disposable razors, shaving cream and hot water on a daily basis you might as well be clubbing a baby dolphin on the head. Not only is it green when you don’t shave it’s strikingly frugal. Think about all the money Joaquin Phoenix is probably saving with that bird’s nest on his face, and all the water he’s saved by not showering. Now that’s a guy who truly cares about the environment.

And who needs a to-go box if you can carry it in your beard?

One has to wonder, aren’t humans bad for the environment regardless of gender? Well maybe, but not all humans recycle beer cans solely for the purpose of purchasing more beer. Is that lazy? I suppose we’ll never really  know. It’s kind of a catch-22.  But what we do know is that the lazier you are, the more green you are, and men have laziness in spades. If you feel this article is aggravating and you’re contemplating getting in a fight with your spouse or loved one over who is more eco-friendly in your household, consider a recent study by Michigan State University researchers that found divorce is also bad for the environment. I’m really sorry ladies, you just don’t love the Earth as much as your lazy loved ones.

Oh and did I mention that by continually purchasing fresh socks and underwear, men can go months without doing laundry? Yeah, months.

Look for the next issue of The Green Sheet over Earth Day Weekend.