Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Health experts recommend we listen to at least three minutes of our favorite music every day. So your new assignment is pretty easy: Whether you want to pound your fists to Pantera, bee-bop with Cindy Lauper, sing along to Kenny Chesney or hum to Haydn, do it! And if you want to dance along while scantily clad in front of the window, more power to ya!
Leo: The Stars ask that you be exceptionally open-minded and non-judgmental right now. If you can do so, you’ll be able to see others for what they truly are and can become. Leos are at their best when they’re inspiring others. So your new mantra is: “Do unto others whatever wacky or kinky things they want done unto them.”
Virgo: Your anti-hero for the week is LeBron “I have no idea how to properly use verbs” James. “LBJ” abandoned his hometown throne for the promise of riches elsewhere. An act that reminds Clouds of the words of the original LBJ, Lyndon Baines Johnson: “Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.”
Libra: The Stars suggest you expect wonder, wait in breathless anticipation for amazing and generally be on the ready to start putting the “Yip” in Yippee-Ki-Yay, Biatches!” To help you get in the right mindset, keep this classic question from “Reservoir Dogs” in mind: “Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?”
Scorpio: For some strange reason, most Scorpios think that secrets are more powerful than honesty. To help you see the light, your new hero is Golden Tate, a rookie wide receiver with the Seahawks. Tate was recently caught sneaking into a closed donut shop and chowing down maple bars. He admitted to the crime and now it’s only a matter of time before he starts doing commercials for donut shops and his jersey becomes a bestseller with stoners.
Sagittarius: Being as how nothing can last forever, it shouldn’t surprise you too much to hear that the Stars say a friend or relationship will come to an end this month. So do your best to keep your cool, stay positive and not say anything such as, “The next time I need help from a friend like you, I’ll just squat down and poop one out.”
Capricorn: Multiple choice: which genre has the best selling album in America so far this year: A) Reggae B) Hip Hop C) Country D) Disco E) Heavy Metal F) Pop. As usual, the answer is C. Lady Antebellum tops the sales charts, in part because country music taps into more positive layers of our psyches. Now that you’ve learned something new, go pet your partner, kiss a dog and make love to your pick-up truck.
Aquarius: Your hero for the week is Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. After LeBron “Benedict Arnold” James spurned the Cavs on national TV, Gilbert ripped LBJ a new one in an open letter. So your new mantra is courtesy of Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today.” (“Self-Reliance,” 1841)
Pisces: With summer in full blast, here are some Stay Cool Tips: Wear more linen. Eat spicy foods. Cool cloths on wrists. Have Clouds or a significant other give you a sponge bath. Be cool. Embrace nudity — or anyone naked and willing to be embraced.
Aries: To help relieve you of any friend or friend-with-benefits stress, here are some of the 100 Greatest Movie Insults: “You son of a motherless goat” (Steve Martin as Lucky Day, “Three Amigos”), “You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf-herder” (Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia, “The Empire Strikes Back”), and “I fart in your general direction” (French taunting, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”).
Taurus: People born under this sign tend to be the Kings, Queens, Rooks, Knights and just about every chess piece except Pawns when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior. Therefore, try mixing it up this week and being direct. If you want to jump another King, Queen or even the horse-faced one, just let ‘em know first.
Gemini:To make sure you get some good karma this week, commit a few random acts of kindness, and don’t act anything along the lines of Ken from “Bee Movie”: “In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!” “It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81!” “Honey, her backhand’s a joke.”
