Hartley’s Idol audition
I can’t take it anymore. I have held off in the hope things would get better, but it is killing me.
“American Idol” is just atrocious. I’ve loved Idol in the past, but not this year.
First, no Simon Cowell. Like him or hate him, he was brutally honest. Instead, the producers have stacked the judge’s table with people who will shower even the worst talent with praise just to make the show look good and keep from hurting the feelings of these screeching banshees.
Randy Jackson, God bless him, tried to blow some of them up, but Steven “Claymation-face” Tyler and J Lo are all about blowing sunshine and hugs up everyone’s sorry ass. J Lo is as silly as Paula Abdul was and she only took this show to revive her own Code Blue career, not make someone else’s. And J Lo was recently voted the most beautiful woman alive? Now, that is just silly.
Note: The Sheet editorial staff disagrees with Hartley on this point.
Meanwhile, all that Aerosmith-ing in the ‘70s has finally caught up with Tyler. That brain dead pedophile is only there to chase around the 15- and 16-year old chicks.
And is Randy married or gay? Seriously! Whoever dresses him should be taken out back and flogged. It’s like he’s trying to relive his youth. Hey, Randy … dude, on the way to the stage, there’s this thing called a MIRROR! You should use it and avoid embarrassing yourself every night. Stop dressing like Boyz II Men. You’re over 40. Come on, now.
And these kids who keep making the cut, they are not ready. They sound and perform badly. And the judges keep pumping them up. Pitiful.
The best singer, Pia, already got eliminated. Guess the fans decided to stick it to the judges for saving that hillbilly with the beard the week before. Well, they sure got them good. Now we’re left with:
1. Haley Reinhart. Every year there is a blonde that the little boys and girls, and perverted old dudes such as Tyler, love. They vote them through, even when they are terrible. “Haley, welcome to Hollywood!” She should have never been allowed to leave home to go to the audition! The fact that the judges compared her to Janis Joplin was laughable. Tyler did a lot of drugs, but he was around when Janis was hot and ought to know better.
2. James Durbin. Come on now. Nice story with the Tourettes and all, but really. I am sick of listening to him screech and scream and then hearing the judges act like the punk invented heavy metal. He is not Rob Halford. Okay? Enough!
3. Casey Abrams. I actually kind of like him. I hope he finds a niche, just not on this show. Does anyone remember Taylor Hicks? Casey has more talent. Unfortunately he looks like a hillbilly. Gotta clean that up, Casey. No one wants to buy an album from a gnome.
4. Jacob Lusk. He’s got a great voice. Unfortunately, he makes so many runs up and down the scales he always sounds as though he’s gargling instead of actually singing. How do you add so many runs in the word “the” that it becomes 9 syllables long? Give it a rest! He’s also really arrogant. Last week he said that if he was in the bottom 3 at the end of the night it would be because America needs to look in the mirror, not because he might’ve sucked. Newsflash: last show, he was in the bottom 3. If he gets voted off, it’ll be in part because people just don’t like him. Jacob, you need to shut up.
5. Lauren Alaina. Another kid who’s not ready. Every time she’s on the mic, she looks confused and scared to bloody death. So, the pretty blonde gets the pretty white blonde girl vote, and black males under 18 because she’s packing some booty. But that still doesn’t change much … she’s confused and scared and NOT READY.
6. Stefano Langone. He flat sounds like Elmo. He is not good. And he also looks dazed and confused. Next.
7. Paul McDonald. Every year at this point in the show, there are at least a couple of contestants that for the life of me I can’t figure out how they are still there. Paul is one. They talk about the tone of his voice. Oh, he has a tone … it sounds like a garbage disposal with a spoon in it. And he twirls around and dancing like a character on one of those bad animated Christmas specials. Then there’s that beard! Here’s some advice, dumbass: trim the beard or quit using OxiClean on your teeth. It looks terrible. If you bought an album from this guy, chances are you also went to Bernie Madoff for investment advice. What a joke!
Note: He just started dating some girl from the Twilight series, probably in an attempt to shore up a few more votes.
8. Scotty McCreery. Are they seriously trying to make this guy a star? First thing to tell him: stand up straight and straighten your neck. I am tired of looking at that crooked scarecrow. Is his head too heavy for his pencil neck? Damn. And get him some singing lessons. He can hit the low notes, but that’s all, and you can see him working pretty damn hard to do that. I love country music, but I hate this bumpkin. If the producers want a true country star to make it so badly, they should have kept John Wayne Schulz. Now that boy could sing! Scotty, man that dude has a neck problem. It’s a pain in the neck for me just to watch!
