Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Gemini: To help balance your two sides, here are your role models for the week. Your bad side role model: Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson, the Dutchess of York, who has more money than she could spend in three lifetimes and got busted for selling access to her ex-husband. Your good side role model, the OTHER Fergie, aka Stacy Ferguson, who sings: “I’m the F to the E, R, G, the I, the E. And can’t nobody else put it down like me.”

Cancer: A woman named Barbara Sue recently passed away and had her headstone resemble a parking meter that reads: “Expired.” Therefore, your assignment — ignore it at your own peril — is to honor Barbara Sue and remember humor is everywhere. So don’t be surprised to hear something like this in the near future: “Why are you so serious all the time? If you can’t laugh at yourself, then call me. I’ll be happy to do it.”

Leo: Now that Mother Nature has decided to skip Spring and move right into Summer, Clouds would like you to slow things down a bit and remember that you’re supposed to enjoy life. To help, here’s your classic Leo saying for the week: “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”

Virgo: Since the most important thing for Virgos to keep in mind right now is that attitude is everything, be sure to add the following t-shirts to your wardrobe: a navy blue one that says, “Attitude: a little thing that makes a HUGE difference.” And a gray one that reads: “Bitchin’ ain’t easy!”

Libra: Former Big League Pitcher and fellow Libra Jose “Lima Time” Lima passed away this week. Once referred to as “the national anthem-crooning, towel-waving, merengue singer who moonlights as a right-handed pitcher,” Lima may have only lived a mere 37 years, but he lived in way that Libras often forget — with total unabashed enthusiasm, joy and gratitude. Therefore, be sure to take some Lime-time of your own this week.

Scorpio: Select your own mantra from the following selections: A) “Excellence isn’t a skill, it’s an attitude.” B) “Forgive your enemies. It really pisses them off.” C) “A smile is the best accessory.” Q) “Always borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.”

Sagittarius: Here are your big burning questions for the week: 1)“Aren’t all disappointments temporary?” 2) “Is this the worst thing a mechanic can say, ‘I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder?’” 111) “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

Capricorn: The Stars report that this would the perfect time for you to take some down time or do some self-help work. Since Canadians, despite their butchery of bacon, are better than Americans at knowing how to relax and enjoy life, your new soundtrack comes courtesy of Canadian rockers, The Band: “You can walk on the water, drown in the sand. You can fly off a mountain, anybody can.”

Aquarius: Earlier this week one of the world’s most beloved Aquarians ever to star on Prime Time TV, Gary “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” Coleman passed away. In honor of this classic fiery, creative and self-confident Aquarian, your words of wisdom for the week are from the little guy who reminded us that there are indeed different strokes for different folks: “I parody myself every chance I get. I try to make fun of myself and let people know that I’m a human being.”

Pisces: It looks as though June will be a rather challenging month, as money, children and little habits such as leaving your underwear in the middle of the hallway might be the focus of some frustration. To help you keep your cool, walk a mile in the other person’s shoes, and try not to tell anyone to shove their shoes and opinions up their sphincter.

Aries: Since this should be one of your luckiest weekends of the year, you might want to play the lottery, place a bet on the “Celtics in six,” or try your luck with someone you like by explaining, “I have a great sex life. I just need someone to share it with.”

Taurus: In honor of the passing of one of Clouds’ heroes, your advice for the week will come courtesy of quotes from the late, great, fellow Taurus, Dennis Hopper: 1) “I believe in miracles.” 2) “You want to hear about insanity? I was found running naked through the jungles in Mexico. My body, my liver — okay, my brain — went.” 3) “Now boys, don’t get caught watchin’ the paint dry.”