Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Clouds has lots of love for the people of this sign, because you’re all such sex-pots and pans; except for fellow Virgo, Mother Teresa, who used her amorous powers to heal rather than fondle. Therefore, your birthday quote for this year comes from Her Holiness: “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.”
Libra: Clouds’ favorite programs at the moment are any of those VH-1 reality shows that document wealthy, famous people doing downright foolish things. Apparently, you don’t have to be smart to have money; you just have to feel like you deserve some. So remember, you deserve all your heart’s desires, too, so long as you don’t do anything foolish, such as “accidentally” releasing a sex tape to anyone other than Clouds.
Scorpio: Life is far less complicated than we make it out to be. Dream it, move towards it, believe it and achieve it. Repeat as often as you’d like and rinse when necessary. To help keep this in mind, here’s your new assignment: Every time you find your panties are getting in a bunch, take them off.
Sagittarius: Love is about self-discovery, acceptance and finding someone you like to be naked with. Occasionally, of course, it also involves arguments, tears and sleeping in wet spots. Don’t forget to be a little idealistic this week; now is a great time to define your ideal person and either look for that in a mate or be that kind of mate.
Capricorn: Life is all about perspective and attitude. There are some short people out there who are angry about their lack of height and therefore have a bad attitude much of the time. There are others of lesser height, however, who accept themselves as they are by pointing out one of the best parts of being short: you’re a lot closer to boob-level.
Aquarius: If some of you Aquarians are looking for a new role model, as trying to emulate Clouds has caused you to catch a rash, try Alice. The life of an Aquarius is often so full of odd twists and weird turns that most of you would be best off just pretending that you’re Alice and the rest of us are the freaky people of Wonderland.
Pisces: Your assignment for the week is to make your own wishing well. Clouds promises that it will never run dry no matter what size it is or how full of wishes you stuff it. But if anyone happens to fall down it, at least lower ‘em down a six-pack and a copy of The Sheet to keep them entertained until you can figure out how to get ‘em out — assuming, of course, that they wish to leave.
Aries: Good fences make good neighbors, especially if your neighbor has a Rottweiler. When it comes to neighbors, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The Stars say do whatever you need to do to help you get happy and be healthy, even if this means that the neighbors or their pets start peeing on your shrubs.
Taurus: It is said that he who hesitates is lost, but that not all who wander are. The Stars say everything will be as fine as Sonoma County wine so long as you just keep plugging away and believe in yourself. This would be a great time to do some self-promotion. Think about inking a tattoo onto your backside that says something such as, “I Rock, Let’s Roll!”
Gemini: While it’s true that denial isn’t just some river in Africa, it does have a lot in common with rivers. Denial always picks the path of least resistance, even if that means it has to tumble over rocks or run straight into a dam. Therefore, your lucky words for the week come from fellow Gemini Marilyn Monroe: “If you’re gonna be two-faced, then at least make one of them pretty.”
Cancer: It looks as though you should start to feel more relaxed with life and any partnerships you’re in. To help keep things smooth, don’t say anything that sounds even remotely similar to the following: “You know, you’re really sort of ugly, but yet there’s still something about you I find attractive.”
Leo: Knowledge is power, just like a cordless drill with big batteries and a tungsten drill bit. Now that we’ve straightened that out maybe it’s time you straighten out some other aspects of your life, too. The Stars say your power levels for the rest of the month promise to be bigger than Bob Vila’s ratings … and his waistline.
