Original box from 1966.

Wolf dishes on the importance of soggy balls

For the second installment of our “Bar-tivities” series, we take a close look at the Auld Dubliner’s Thursday game night. With $10 pitchers, $2 Pabsts and a slew of other specials, why not set up a couple of beer pong tables and a Twister mat? Of course they offer other “bar-tivities” like darts, pool and foosball, but here I’ll break down the two that give you the best chance of meeting someone.

Beer Pong

What started as an excuse for bros to give each other high fives and talk smack about each other’s moms has turned into one of the most recognizable college games on the planet. Traditionally called Beirut, (beer pong is commonly played with paddles) the object is simple; throw a ping pong ball in a cup of beer and make your sorry buddies chug. Any game that rewards a loser with beer will ultimately gain popularity, so here’s how to dunk your balls with style.

1. Stand back from table on defense

Other than tasting really good, beer also makes you deaf, dumb and blind; hence the constant shouting, the debates on who can do a better P90X workout, and the girl you took home last night who looks like Tyler Perry’s Madea. So, if it’s true that beer turns you into Mr. Magoo, then throw off your opponent’s perception by standing further back from the table. This simple illusion not only makes the cup rack appear closer than it really is, but also makes you look kinda tiny.

2. The secret to soggy balls

Similar to it’s lame cousin the Wiffle ball, a ping pong ball hates to fly straight. Even if you think you’re the Kobe Bryant of pong, you still won’t be able to toss your balls in a straight line. So to improve your release and the ball’s rotation, always douse your jewels in room temperature water before making it rain. Just like a slip n’ slide, the wetter the better. Not only will this practice increase your chances of splashing your balls, it cleans off dog hair and it adds grip! Double bonus!

3. Aim small, miss small

Believe it or not, beer pong actually involves some skill. Though you may think you’re better when your drunk, odds are you’re not. Hint: Don’t be like former Detroit Piston Ben Wallace. Unlike Ben (who seemingly just aimed his shots at the general area of the hoop and hoped for the best) you should actually aim your ball at a small part of a cup. That way, if you miss, you won’t miss too badly. In pong, bricks are better than air balls. You hear that Ben?!

4. Slip a little bounce in there

Some people may groan when reading this, but if you bounce a ball into a cup then the opponent has to drink two beers. So, like any calculated risk, if the timing is right than it’s worth it. But some people hate the bounce and consequently will hate you. The reasoning is simple, it’s embarrassing when you get bounced on. Since your opponent is allowed to swat away any ball that has been bounced, then they should stop practicing their Fresh Prince high fives and actually pay attention. If you’re one of those people that turns into Bobby Knight when you get bounced on, then don’t hate the player, hate the game. Big deal if you have to drink more beer. Like the words spoken so honestly by Barry Badrinath in Beerfest, “I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it.”

5. Keep forgetting whose turn it is

As with tennis, nothing annoys your nothing annoys your opponents more than constant talking and questions. I was never that great at tennis in high school, but I was good at getting Professor X on people with dumb questions and constant talking. A game of beer pong is no different. If you constantly recap the rules and attempt to throw when it’s not your turn, you can instantly transform your competitor into a frustrated John McEnroe lunatic. You can’t be serious!

Twister

Besides offering up games like Jenga, Connect Four, foosball and darts, the Dubliner also offers one of the greatest party games of all time, Twister. And if you’re one of the those people who says things like, “Hey I don’t play Twister, it’s for little kids.” Right fist face! You should already know that this game has allowed people to get uncomfortably close to each other’s junk since it’s invention in 1966. (Check out how happy Ron Howard’s doppelganger is on the box cover). Now, there are many ways to excel in Twister, but to be honest, when I ran an Internet search on “Twister tips” it just kept telling me how to roll a huge joint. That said, if you want to be a true Glen Quagmire on the Twister mat then here’s how to do it. Giggity.

1. Don’t wear Rollerblades

I know they look really cool and they make you feel good in knee pads, but Rollerblades have wheels so this maneuver would be considered unwise. Besides, if you want the ability to pull off tech moves (i.e. the London Bridge or the Eiffel Tower), you’re better off with bare feet. Just be aware if you have a bad case of cheese foot than you’re going to contaminate the board. Be sure to wash your hogs if you’re going to let ‘em roam.

2. Be the spin master

Self-renowned author and psychic Therman (played by Zach Galifianakis) in the film “Dinner for Schmucks”) got a sick pleasure out of making people say things such as, “you can eat my pudding.” And similar to Therman, when you’re controlling the spin board during Twister you have maximum brain control over everyone. So don’t just go by what the spinner says. Hold the board close and say whatever you want. It’s not cheating … it’s increasing the chances of landing your buddy’s face next to the other dude’s butt.

3. Wash your junk

It’s recommended to shower before a game of Twister. The game isn’t about being the last one on the Twister board with your ass in the air, it’s about being the last one at the end of the night with your ass in the air. Just like beer pong, you’re a winner even when you lose. Just be sure you smell like an Irish Spring and not an Irish armpit.

4. Stretch it out with Bengay

Prolific tribute band The Wayward Sons, which performed last weekend at Mammoth Rocks, kicked some serious ass. Their secret to a successful show full of high kicks and pelvic thrusts includes some serious stretching – that and tubes and tubes of Bengay. Just be aware that applying Bengay right before a Twister battle can result in a slippery mat and immediate elimination.

5. Avoid tall tees

Though roomy and comfortable, the tall tee (aka the “male urban dress”) is not recommended for a competitive game of Twister. Seemingly sporty and spacious, the tall tee actually hinders one’s movement by trapping the wearer inside an impenetrable bubble of cotton. Like the ancient city of Babylon, the wearer of a tall tee is safe from intruders but unfortunately not able to make any strategic moves. Look for tighter-fitting, stretchy garments, such as a Lycra speed suit or bike shorts with matching top.